Episode 28: 10 Tips To Be A Better Spouse

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Hey Coupley Fit fam, welcome back to another episode.

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We are so excited for this discussion.

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We're gonna be talking about 10 ways to be a better partner for your spouse.

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So we've seen some viral clips that have just been released where some spouses have been really, you know, getting some things off their chest.

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They've been really letting their partner know and really letting the world know how they feel about how things are going, and what's interesting is it's been more of the wives than the husbands really putting their foot down, saying I need some more help.

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This isn't good enough.

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And so one of the clips was a wife talking about how basically she's been she's a mother of four and her husband they both work full time and basically her husband has not been helping her with the basics dumping the trash, emptying the dishwasher, helping with the kids.

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That was the main, that was the big one, because she's saying these things help her when she's helping the four kids which she's responsible for, the household and the kids, getting them ready, getting them to school, all of these things.

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And she's a CEO as well, correct?

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She wasn't a CEO, but her and her husband both work, so it's like these are her duties before work and she's like I'm burnt out.

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She expressed it.

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It wasn't enough People in the comments.

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I thought it was interesting because the guys in the comments were pretty ruthless, basically saying what is she complaining about?

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The man's working hard all day?

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She cause she did say like he's loyal, he's trustworthy, like all of those things are great.

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He works, he's a provider, but hopefully basics right Well so that's the thing.

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That's some people in the comments were saying those aren't the basics, these are above and beyond, and I think that's a part of the conversation.

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So what do you think is like the basics, above and beyond?

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And I think that's a part of the dialogue, of the discussion, of why it went viral, because the ladies are saying these like what she's asking for is like bare minimums, and the fellows are saying she's asking for too much okay, well, I think first we need to get into the mindset of the men that are discussing in the comments.

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Right, it's giving.

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I'm only a provider and that's all I'm going to do.

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I'm not going to necessarily be in the household and contributing in other ways, because I bring home the chicken okay, I bring home the money.

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So what is being see?

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I was going to say being the provider.

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Only what does that look like, Like, what does that mean?

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You know, and obviously you would know more from a male standpoint than I would, but in my opinion, I believe it would be I go to work, I focus there, I get a steady paycheck with benefits whatever that looks like your compensation package looks like and I bring it back home.

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Whatever that looks like your compensation package looks like, and I bring it back home.

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And that's what my contribution is to not only this family, but also to you as well as my spouses.

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I provide this lifestyle for you when, if I, as a woman, am also working, I would say I'm contributing to this lifestyle as well.

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So if that's the case, then we need to be working together more as a team in the household, because we always talk about we talk a lot in sports metaphors and things like that where if you are a husband and wife team and we're just talking specifically from our viewpoint of what we know, then it needs to be a situation where we are coming together and we're working as a team.

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Somebody may be the head coach one day, somebody may be more of you know a player.

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Somebody may be more of a GM, somebody may be more of a head coach kind of going back and forth on what that looks like, and I think that actually goes right into our first tip that we have.

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I'm ready, right?

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So first is going to be cultivate self-awareness.

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Oh, being self-aware is key.

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Being self-aware is key, where you're able to self-reflect on okay, what am I contributing to the family besides money, besides on the monetary side?

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What else am I doing to be able to contribute to this family unit and what does that also look like?

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But I think that does have to be a conversation that you have with your spouse on what are the expectations, and when the conversation is then had, I need you to live up to those expectations.

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Right, and now again, it's the reason you have a conversation and you you go back and forth is figuring out.

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This is my expectation.

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What's your expectation when it comes to household chores, when it comes to taking care of the kids, when it comes to you know how we plan for the future, whether that's retirement or if we want to purchase a larger home, whatever that looks like.

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What does that look like for you and what does that look like for me?

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Let's find a middle ground.

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Or even if there's some times where I may not budge on a certain thing, because I simply know that this is a stressor for me and I need you to help me not have this be such a stress for stressor in my life.

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Yeah, that makes sense and it reminds me of a of a saying that unexpressed expectations lead to resentment.

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Yes, and I felt, like the video I saw, there was resentment that was built up because she expressed how she was doing or feeling about the situation and there wasn't changes right, and maybe you're listening and she said, oh, he said yeah, I'll help you, but then forgot or something else came up.

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I think, to the point that you're making is there was what you see on TV a lot of times is like it is enough to bring home the bacon or make the money.

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You come home, my dinner should be ready, you know, be able to put my feet up on the lazy boy, kick the feet back.

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Cold drink was the cold beverage, and that's like, I think, what some people think.

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But you made a great call out.

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It's not like she was home all day just chilling waiting for him to get there.

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She's also working as well, and so there is that balance and I think it can be overlooked, because a lot of time the responsibility falls on the mother or the wife to take care of the kids.

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But imagine four kids.

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I mean, that's what I was thinking about when I heard her video I'm like think about, think about getting four kids ready for school.

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Having to bring four kids downstairs, get them packed, get them ready, get them out the door, Yourself as well, Yourself as well, because you're getting ready for work right, and you're also like the trash is full, it's overflowing.

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I'm looking for this sippy cup that was supposed to be cleaned and, you know, rinsed out.

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That's not ready.

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So I could see how that could be like.

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And again it on one end, I could also understand where people feel maybe as if, like, it's not that big of a deal, right, but it's like anything, the little things become big things and that's where, when they're not expressed or if you're not actively listening to your partner, it leads to a bigger problem and I think that's where a lot of times, that disconnect is.

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But you said something earlier about the expectations not being expressed and I think that's a really big thing, because right now, what we see more and more and you see with athletes, a lot of these stars, is, you know, it's kind of, it's not tricking if you got it.

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So you meet somebody, you're throwing big money, money, you're doing these lavish dates, lavish lifestyle, and then all of a sudden you get married or you're, you know, together and it's that that expectation was set, that you were going to continue to this is, yeah, the lifestyle that you're going to.

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We were supposed to be on private jets, five-star dining.

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now you're like we need to be on, you know, buddy pass, we need to be on, you know, sitting in the back of the plate, or we need to just make it more modest and sometimes that's a complete different standard or conversation than what you initially started with.

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So I think setting the tone early of like, what do you expect, I think is really important.

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Absolutely, because, again to your point, if you're not expressing the expectations we also do, what are the goals right?

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What are the goals for each other?

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What's the goal as the family unit?

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Where are we going right?

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And so to your point of what you said before, where my dinner should be on the table, I should have a cold brew ready for me.

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I feel personally, in this day and age that we are in, in 2025, that is a very, almost old school way of thinking, because of the amount of women that are now becoming not only working but becoming the breadwinners and making more money than their husbands.

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And so now we're also seeing that there is a shift where there is now house husbands, where husbands are staying at home, and so roles are reversing in that way, so roles are reversing in that way, so now it becomes okay.

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Well, if you're not bringing the monetary aspect, then what are you doing at home to be able to make this easier for the person that is, you know, making more money at that time?

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But then also, again, it just comes back to the team unit.

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We have to work as a team.

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This needs to be.

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How can we get this to be seamless?

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I feel, feel too you were talking about before the viral clip.

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She was mentioning that.

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She told her husband I need you to, I think, empty the dishwasher.

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I need you to maybe help me pack the kids' lunches and I can do the breakfast in the morning.

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Because he asked her how can I help you, she told him this is how you can help me.

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And time after time, he wasn't doing it.

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And that's where we can go into our second way of being a better partner, which is to listen, but actively listen, which we talked about in a couple of our previous episodes, where you are attentive when you're listening.

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So it's going to be something we say to each other is, if it's a point we want to get across, we say I need your undivided attention at this point.

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And now we both know oh okay, put everything down, you have my undivided attention.

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What do you want to say?

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I'm present and I'm in the moment and I'm listening.

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But then it also allows you to be able to reflect and respond without judgment Because, again, although you may not see that you know, not helping with the lunches is not a big deal in the mornings, I'm telling you it's a big deal, and so you need to almost look at what I'm saying and give me the benefit of the doubt that, although it again, it may not be a stressor for you, it's a stressor for me in the morning, and this will be able to help me not only move swiftly in the morning, but it's going to help decrease my cortisol, if we're talking about health and wellness as well.

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You know, women, within your first 30 minutes of waking up, your cortisol instantly spikes, because now we're already thinking, oh my gosh, what do I have to do for the day?

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I have four kids.

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I need to get them all ready, are they?

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I have to brush their hair, brush their teeth, I have to, hopefully.

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You know, my husband helped me out today.

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But then I get downstairs and, oh man, the dishwasher is not empty like I asked.

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The lunches aren't made like I asked.

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So now I spiked again and it's just.

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It's a constant cycle.

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So it's.

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I personally feel everybody in the households, in the sense of guardians or spouses, should be able to know how to do everything.

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In the sense of you should be able to, as a male, you should be able to also know how to pack the kids' lunches.

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You should also be able to know what homework needs to be done.

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Like are you present in the household to help each other out and be my helpmate.

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Yeah, no, when you talk about the helpmate and I think about like.

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This hits close to home for me too, because I didn't see, like growing up, I didn't see you know male figures in my household dad or granddad doing many dishes, nah, or cooking many meals.

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They definitely weren't house husbands, that was not the norm.

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So to that point it's like you know what you see and what your conditioning and exposure is can sometimes lead to expectations that you have going into a relationship and a marriage, and that was something that we had to work on.

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I remember early on you had to.

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I mean, you were like, hey, you know you want three squares a day, but you don't want to do any dishes.

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And I was like they are stacking up, you don't want to cook, you don't want to clean, you don't want to.

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You're sitting over there playing 9-in just like is my meal ready and I'm looking at you like sir.

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I'm starving.

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I'm starving.

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And then I realized you know what that's not fair In any, what that's not fair right and in any situation.

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It is a partnership and we do have to collaborate.

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Right, we don't have to, but we choose to and we should collaborate.

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So what does collaboration look like For us?

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It looked like me helping with the dishes, like you're going to cook.

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I don't mind doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher.

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So we literally did some very basics that I think this can be a break.

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It's simple, but can be a a breakthrough for somebody.

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What is maybe the barrier for your partner to doing that thing you're asking them to do?

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So?

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Here's something that's kind of.

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This is personal, but kind of like interesting.

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I don't mind doing dishes, but I don't want my hands to be wet with the dirty dishwater yes so I got to have gloves as soon as I glove up, I can do dishes for hours right, I can literally, can literally watch all of my YouTube.

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I was just going to say right, I literally watch my interviews.

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I watch Dan Campbell, the Detroit Lions.

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I can watch two hours of interviews, catch up on the whole week.

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And now all the dishes are done.

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But I didn't think about that until, like, we sat down and I see on your face and your reaction, what those empty, that empty sink and those dishes being clean, and now the chances are that next meal is going to be even more fire Because you're like I've got the whisk, I've got the bowl, I've got everything I need, versus like you're trying to do it with a fork versus a whisk.

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Because it's dirty.

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Yes, and to your point, we did have to have that discussion.

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I mean, that was probably our first ooh, that might have been our first four years.

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We say critical conversations, critical conversations, and then also just on the the cleaning the house side as well, cause that's another major fight for couples is the division of housework, or house chores.

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Who's going to do what and how often are we going to do that?

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And the other thing, too, is when you talk about the active listening is, if you, if I'm telling you that, hey, these are some of the ways that you're going to be able to help me.

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If you forget, maybe one or two times, okay, I will give you the benefit of the doubt, I'll give you that grace in that moment.

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But I don't want to have to always tell you to do something, cause now I feel like you're a child and now I feel like I have to mother you, and that's not that's who wants to be in a relationship like that, where you are the female and you're taking care of the house, you're the CEO of the house, I'm taking care of the kids, I'm working, but then I also have a husband who I feel like is another child that I have to take care of.

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That's not something that women go into marriages thinking of, nor I'm sure that they want.

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So I think that will go actually into our next way of being able to be a better partner for your spouse and that's going to be practice honesty, and I feel that that goes right into the listening that we talked about before.

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Practicing honesty isn't always easy.

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It's not easy.

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So if you're going to practice honesty, we've got to be willing to get uncomfortable at times well, if we do the first thing, which is cultivate self-awareness, we can be a little bit more honest that's true.

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And me being aware is like, oh, you called out the dishes and I'm looking over and they're stacked up, stacked, so, like I can be aware, I can listen.

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Then I can also be receptive to the fact that it's a safe space.

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I'm not gonna tell you.

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Tell you, well, man, so-and-so, you know, I didn't watch my granddad or my dad do dishes, so why do I have to do dishes?

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No, like I'm going to understand the fact that you're, like you're literally cooking the meals.

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You also are, you know, working.

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There's all of these things going on.

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This is a way that I can help and I can just set aside some time.

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And this is really a pro tip for the fellas too.

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Is that that the reminders?

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Like you mentioned, I told you something like are you going to implement, treat it like work.

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If your boss tells you, hey, on Monday, have this over to me on Monday by noon, you put it on your calendar, you write it down, you make a sticky note, you do all of these steps to remember.

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Or if it's sports, man, I got a team meeting, you know the game started, like you don't miss the game, like we're locked in.

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So put that on the calendar like hey, I need to make sure the night before my routine I got a reminder at 7 pm like I'm going to unload the dishwasher and dump the trash because I know these four kids are coming downstairs in the morning and this is going to help out my wife and this is something that she expressed to me.

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So you can use the reminders app on your phone, like there's things that you can do or your calendar, or just write it down old school to not forget, but it helps you not be in a doghouse.

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You're absolutely correct.

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That will be something that okay.

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Again, you're going to be in a servant leadership role where it's how can I serve you?

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And be also a leader in the household as well, Because your kids are looking at every single thing that you're doing, and, although we don't have kids yet, we've been around multiple parents.

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I've been around a lot of women that talk about their marriage and their kids, and so over these eight, even 10 years of us being together, we've heard so from from one extreme to the other extreme, but it is almost the same things that we're hearing over and over again, and so I think, if you're able to also speak straightforward, though and that's something where, the more you beat around the bush, the more you are not being very just direct in what you want the other person to do or what your expectations are Again doing it in a way that is compassionate, and I'm not.

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If you are in a place where it's a resentful place, then maybe it's.

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I texted over to you in as long text messages.

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Maybe I go and get a card from you know, the dollar store and I write in that, or maybe I uh, you know I sit down and I take you out to eat and it's just like, hey, I want to have a straightforward conversation, we're out of our space, so it doesn't feel so.

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Um, you know, you're looking over at the couch and it's like, oh, we just had a big fight over there.

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You know, you're looking over at the couch and it's like, oh, we just had a big fight over there, you know, and so you can kind of get out of this space as well.

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But I think, speaking straightforward, this is how I feed, this is what was done, this is how I feel about it, this is what I would like to change.

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I feel like if you kind of have a cadence of how you are expressing yourself, then not only will the other person understand you, but then it becomes I'm not getting lost in what you're trying to say, I'm not trying to figure out.

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Well, did she mean this or did he mean this?

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What was the underlying kind of tone or the underlying what's in between the lines?

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It's like, hey, I told you exactly what it was.

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And then, if it keeps happening, that's when you know if something does end up.

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You know if something does end up, uh, you know.

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Uh, hopefully a fight doesn't happen, but if it does you know why?

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Right, Like, I've told you this multiple times over and over again, and maybe you need to write it down in your phone, Maybe you need to, like you said, have the reminders, because this is getting frustrating, this is getting um, it's upsetting me too.

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So I think that's another great way to be able to practice honesty within your relationship and maybe even taking it a step further and being transparent, Because you can be honest about something but if you're transparent, it might be.

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Hey, you know, what you said was a trigger for me because of something that happened in my childhood.

00:19:02.333 --> 00:19:03.682
I didn't realize it at the moment, but now I realize like this was a trigger for me because of something that happened in my childhood.

00:19:03.682 --> 00:19:11.916
I didn't realize it at the moment, but now I realize like this was a situation that happened, and as soon as you said this, or as soon as you did this, it brought me right back to my five-year-old self.

00:19:11.916 --> 00:19:19.663
I feel like that's being more transparent than just being honest and saying that hurt me or that upset me, and that is.

00:19:19.663 --> 00:19:24.134
It's just another way again to go just a little bit step further if you're practicing honesty.

00:19:24.779 --> 00:19:31.070
Yeah, I think understanding the why is always like big right Like just saying, hey, I need you to dump the trash or unload the dishwasher.

00:19:31.070 --> 00:19:32.866
It's like, oh, you're barking orders at me.

00:19:32.866 --> 00:19:43.507
But if you say, okay, the four kids, they're running down the steps, they're thirsty, they're crying, they're this, we're trying to get out the door and I literally need this item and it's dirty and I got to wash it.

00:19:43.507 --> 00:19:44.127
I got to stop.

00:19:44.127 --> 00:19:44.669
Now we're late.

00:19:44.669 --> 00:19:49.515
I can see that in the steps and I'm like, ooh, that doesn't sound like a great experience.

00:19:49.515 --> 00:19:56.461
How can I help you Versus feeling attacked that again I'm getting this directive.

00:19:56.461 --> 00:20:16.268
But something that I thought you did a great job of when it came to like our discussion, when it came to the dishes, was it was the sandwich method and it was essentially coming in with something positive that was like the bun on top, yes, which is basically like, hey, I appreciate all that you do, like you work so hard, man, like you're amazing, I appreciate you, but I really need your help with these dishes.

00:20:16.508 --> 00:20:25.563
And like sweeping up around here and I'm like okay but again I the the bun on the top, like warmed me up to like, oh, you appreciate me, all right, thank you.

00:20:25.563 --> 00:20:32.211
And then you hit me with the like the actual meat of the I haven't asked as well which is I need your help with these dishes.

00:20:32.211 --> 00:20:34.441
And I'm like, okay, yeah, I can definitely help you.

00:20:34.441 --> 00:20:36.025
And then it's like, well, amazing.

00:20:36.025 --> 00:20:41.325
And then you kind of close out with that bottom of the bone with something else that's positive or we move on to the next topic.

00:20:41.325 --> 00:21:00.250
And I think that's a great way too that you brought it up without it having to be a fight, cause I think a lot of couples are maybe feel like they can't be transparent, or maybe they feel like they can't bring something up because it's that fear that this is going to be a fight or this is going to become like I don't want to ruin Friday night Cause I'm bringing up the trash or the dishes and it's like let's just have a good night.

00:21:00.411 --> 00:21:00.711
Correct.

00:21:00.711 --> 00:21:09.423
Well, interesting enough, that's a great segue into the fourth way that you can be a better partner, and it's don't take it personal- Ooh, one of the four agreements.

00:21:09.865 --> 00:21:11.851
One of the four agreements Don't take it personal.

00:21:11.851 --> 00:21:17.613
So something that I heard was attack behaviors, not people.

00:21:17.613 --> 00:21:28.330
So when you're speaking to somebody, like you were just mentioning before, not attacking the person, it's you did this, it's because of you that this is happening, but just the behavior.

00:21:28.330 --> 00:21:30.604
Hey, this is the behavior that I've noticed.

00:21:30.604 --> 00:21:32.749
This is the behavior that I want to change.

00:21:32.749 --> 00:21:51.964
This is a way that we can change that behavior and, to your point, starting off with a positive, you're already putting somebody into a space that feels a little bit more open, right, rather than, if you start off with the negative, I'm already, I have my walls up, I'm feeling defensive, I'm not really listening.

00:21:51.964 --> 00:21:54.006
If you think about it right, I'm not actively listening.

00:21:54.006 --> 00:21:57.009
I may already be tuning you out and I'm like, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:21:57.519 --> 00:22:08.672
But if you are not taking it personal and if you are attacking the behaviors and not the people, one thing that we always say is charge it to my head and not my heart.

00:22:08.672 --> 00:22:12.868
I'm not intentionally going out of my way to do this.

00:22:12.868 --> 00:22:22.051
I may not even have recognized it, but I just ask that you please give me a little bit of grace, give me some time to also make the adjustment.

00:22:22.051 --> 00:22:34.480
But then if it is something that happens over time and I'm not, you know, continuously doing it then we can have a more, a deeper conversation of oh shoot, you know what I just that was just like a really busy season for me.

00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:42.909
I apologize for not, you know, doing what you asked me to do and making it more of a conversation than I'm coming in trying to attack you.

00:22:43.602 --> 00:22:53.432
You know that's a great call out and I appreciate that you mentioned that, because I think about we've been able to get better at those things over the years, because it wasn't like year one.

00:22:53.432 --> 00:22:54.803
We're just like sandwich method.

00:22:54.803 --> 00:22:56.667
We got it Like no again.

00:22:56.708 --> 00:22:58.921
We, you know, we were 25 and 26 when we were married.

00:22:58.921 --> 00:23:05.676
So you're still, you're young, you're in your twenties, you're figuring things out, and so you are, uh, cause again.

00:23:05.676 --> 00:23:12.021
I'm just quickly, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but quickly for me, I know, when you talk about conditioning and exposure, my mom was doing it all.

00:23:12.021 --> 00:23:18.130
I mean, she is cooking, she's cleaning, she's taking us to all the games and the practices and she's making the money.

00:23:18.130 --> 00:23:19.612
She's doing it all.

00:23:19.612 --> 00:23:40.462
And so then I thought, well, I have to be able to do it all, because that's what I saw my mom doing, not realizing that there's other ways to be able to guide yourself through the challenges of being kind of the CEO of the house also being a CEO in a company at least for us, right.

00:23:40.462 --> 00:23:46.203
Also being a daughter, a cousin, right, all of those things like.

00:23:46.586 --> 00:23:51.684
There's different ways to be able to navigate through that and you don't have to do what you've seen.

00:23:51.684 --> 00:24:02.407
You can make a change, but it has to be an intentional change and you have to be conscious and have that self-awareness piece to, like you said before, where you were seeing your dad and your granddad, that they were.

00:24:02.407 --> 00:24:03.971
You know, this is how they grew up.

00:24:03.971 --> 00:24:05.586
You're like you know what, but I can make a change.

00:24:05.586 --> 00:24:06.568
I don't have to be like that.

00:24:06.568 --> 00:24:08.146
I can almost break this cycle.

00:24:08.759 --> 00:24:13.648
Yeah, and this is giving yourself grace too, but also realizing that it doesn't have to be the way that it used to be.

00:24:13.869 --> 00:24:14.069
Yes.

00:24:23.564 --> 00:24:29.326
Like, just because they used to do it, that trash, or because your wife asked for help and you went and helped the kids, or whatever that may be like.

00:24:29.326 --> 00:24:31.490
I feel like that's a unfortunately.

00:24:31.490 --> 00:24:38.413
That's a lot of toxic dialogue that I feel like a lot of guys have listened to and thought that was real life.

00:24:38.413 --> 00:24:40.423
And then you go back to the masculinity.

00:24:40.423 --> 00:24:53.240
You go back to the barbershop and you find out the guy that told you that's been like divorced and lonely for 40 years and you're like, dang, why did I listen to Steve, yes, and it's like, yeah, you know, listen to the guy that's married and he's like, no, and it doesn't have to be happy wife, happy life.

00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:54.803
It could be happy spouse, happy house.

00:24:54.803 --> 00:25:04.215
But these are the things in the framework where you're actually building, building on that foundation so that everybody feels that it's a safe space and that can exist.

00:25:04.215 --> 00:25:06.424
Just sometimes it takes being intentional.

00:25:07.126 --> 00:25:14.673
Absolutely, and I think that is a great another great segue into our fifth way to be a better partner, and that's to argue constructively.

00:25:14.673 --> 00:25:18.671
We talked about this a little bit in, I believe, the first episode.

00:25:18.671 --> 00:25:19.741
What does?

00:25:19.761 --> 00:25:27.422
that mean, because so many people right now, I think, think, argue, and automatically something pops into your head so what is constructive or constructive argument?

00:25:27.442 --> 00:25:37.067
look, like yeah, I would say one of the ways to be constructive when you're arguing is that we want to have a win win outcome.

00:25:37.067 --> 00:25:39.573
I don't want to win lose outcome.

00:25:39.573 --> 00:25:42.304
There doesn't have to be a loser in this situation.

00:25:42.304 --> 00:25:46.993
First off, we're married, so we should be wanting to win together and grow together.

00:25:46.993 --> 00:25:50.710
And then I also think another piece is the effective communication.

00:25:50.710 --> 00:25:54.250
And how does your partner receive feedback?

00:25:55.280 --> 00:26:08.104
Just like we mentioned before, if your partner, if you notice that when you come with a negative first and your partner shuts down, well, let's switch that, let's come with a positive first and say you know what?

00:26:08.104 --> 00:26:11.336
I've been seeing you actually make an effort Cause that's also another thing too is like are you making the effort as well?

00:26:11.336 --> 00:26:23.894
And I, if you say, you know, I'm noticing that you've been making an effort, I really appreciate you putting the dishes away, I really appreciate you cleaning the car, getting gas it's really the simple things Make my life easier.

00:26:23.894 --> 00:26:28.036
Like, if you are making my life easier, then I don't feel like I have to.

00:26:28.036 --> 00:26:49.882
I'm not getting so frustrated where I'm coming to you instantly in the moment of frustration and now that argument is maybe not constructive and maybe it's not effective because I'm so overwhelmed and overstimulated that's a lot for women too is you're so overstimulated by what's happening that a lot of times you are just frustrated in the moment and you lash out.

00:26:49.882 --> 00:26:56.834
And it does take hard work, it takes the self-awareness, the self-reflection to try to control those behaviors and emotions.

00:26:56.834 --> 00:26:57.676
But no one's perfect.

00:26:57.676 --> 00:27:00.923
We're human beings and so we have to give ourselves that grace.

00:27:00.923 --> 00:27:09.536
But being able to develop a new mindset that will help you grow together is another way that I think that you can argue constructively.

00:27:10.221 --> 00:27:17.425
Well, I think that's a really good point and I think about arguing constructively and I think about us, one of the best things that we did.

00:27:17.425 --> 00:27:21.973
We have like our code word when, like, someone's tone has been raised because it happens.

00:27:21.973 --> 00:27:23.441
It happens Sometimes.

00:27:23.441 --> 00:27:25.768
You know, you say it with your chest and you're like, who are you talking to?

00:27:25.768 --> 00:27:27.262
Like, who are you talking to in here?

00:27:27.262 --> 00:27:28.387
And it happens both ways.

00:27:28.387 --> 00:27:32.083
But, like we literally will say, tone ranger, which means your tone was out of range.

00:27:32.083 --> 00:27:33.246
I felt like it.

00:27:33.246 --> 00:27:35.371
We were getting too many octaves too high.

00:27:35.371 --> 00:27:45.933
Let's bring it and and that already is something where it's not because if you start raising your voice and the tones get high, now we're trying to match who who's gonna get the last word.

00:27:45.953 --> 00:27:48.563
I'm trying to get my word in who's gonna over talk the other person.

00:27:48.623 --> 00:27:52.311
Now we're arguing and it's becoming more heated, which isn't good, I think.

00:27:52.311 --> 00:28:01.546
Another big tip and I see this a lot, especially on social media but this is something we've never done and I'm like we never talked about the fact that we've never done this.

00:28:01.546 --> 00:28:18.756
But I'm so glad that we're gonna share, but we've never called each other out of our names ever, ever ever like I, no b words no like no never, f us never and I feel like that's something that's so has become so common where people just talk crazy to each other and it becomes normal.

00:28:18.776 --> 00:28:23.219
But I didn't play like that with friends, like don't call me, don't call me don't call me a, b, don't call me yeah, don't call me like, oh no.

00:28:23.219 --> 00:28:25.817
Any of those things like those are fighting words.

00:28:25.817 --> 00:28:29.440
They are, they are what I'm on the defense, Right, I'm on the defense.

00:28:29.440 --> 00:28:40.076
So I'd like to say that for couples too, because if you're talking to your spouse and you, You're already setting a stage.

00:28:40.076 --> 00:28:42.779
That is not constructive conversation.

00:28:42.779 --> 00:28:44.507
It's not a constructive argument.

00:28:44.859 --> 00:28:56.996
It's not effective, versus coming to the table or sending a text because your tone might be elevated, or going in the other room or cooling off, or even writing a note or something to be able to convey.

00:28:56.996 --> 00:29:06.964
This is how I'm feeling, or I'm sorry, or I'm going to be better at this, without jumping off the deep end and allowing things to really escalate, cause that's where it gets out of hand.

00:29:07.165 --> 00:29:08.865
Yeah, when it starts getting the escalation.

00:29:08.865 --> 00:29:11.125
And now again going back to conditioning exposure.

00:29:11.125 --> 00:29:15.768
If you were around, parents that were constantly arguing that were raising their voice.

00:29:15.768 --> 00:29:18.396
That's what you know and that's what you also may think is healthy.

00:29:18.396 --> 00:29:20.338
But or if you're watching a reality TV, what?

00:29:20.459 --> 00:29:21.382
you also may think is healthy.

00:29:21.382 --> 00:29:23.750
Or if you're watching reality TV, you're watching the Housewives man, the Housewives.

00:29:23.769 --> 00:29:25.655
We used to watch them Love and hip hop.

00:29:25.655 --> 00:29:26.558
You watch the love and hip hop.

00:29:26.578 --> 00:29:26.980
Oh my gosh.

00:29:26.980 --> 00:29:28.285
I see Ray J and Princess.

00:29:28.285 --> 00:29:30.884
I'm like this is good he done, pushed her in the pool.

00:29:30.884 --> 00:29:34.723
I'm like, oh my God, oh my gosh, she was fully dressed.

00:29:34.784 --> 00:29:44.406
Their camera's rolling relationships, and that's what people think is like that's goals.

00:29:44.406 --> 00:29:46.788
Yes, exactly, and I, and again, I think that we were just talking about this actually on the way here, where we were saying, like where are the role models?

00:29:46.788 --> 00:29:48.049
Right, like, where are the?

00:29:48.250 --> 00:29:49.373
man will and jada used to be.

00:29:49.432 --> 00:29:51.924
I mean you know will and jada used to be one.

00:29:51.924 --> 00:29:54.089
Uh, I'm trying to think who else?

00:29:54.089 --> 00:30:05.384
Right, we obviously have, like michelle and barack obama, but we're like, where are the role models of people that have put in the 50, 60 plus years of marriage that you're able to give us the keys of?

00:30:05.384 --> 00:30:13.386
Hey, these, these are the ways that we were able to make it work Because, again, a marriage is not going to be linear all the time.

00:30:13.488 --> 00:30:14.932
It's not going to be constant.

00:30:14.932 --> 00:30:18.347
You're going to be thrown curve balls from all over the place.

00:30:18.347 --> 00:30:20.092
How do you deal with that?

00:30:20.092 --> 00:30:28.573
And if you, if you have to really start from the foundation, and if that wasn't your foundation when you got together, then just continue to work on it.

00:30:28.573 --> 00:30:30.265
Right, it's one piece at a time.

00:30:30.265 --> 00:30:32.731
Just, it's a building blocks, just building blocks.

00:30:32.731 --> 00:30:58.125
Keep building on the good habits and then you'll get to a point where now, when you're faced with the difficult decisions or you're faced with the difficult conversations, you have those building blocks to be able to have the effective communication and, to your point of what you said before, of arguments, something that I've said before in I think it was episode one I mentioned I said I'm not going to go back and forth with you.

00:30:58.125 --> 00:31:06.753
If you're raising your voice and if you're already at a point where you are not going to be able to hear me and hear what I'm saying, this isn't the time to have the conversation.

00:31:06.753 --> 00:31:09.967
We will like separate ourselves for a few minutes.

00:31:09.987 --> 00:31:11.832
Sometimes I can argue, y'all Like I got time.

00:31:11.852 --> 00:31:17.067
I got time, today I'm here for it, and you're petty, so I can be just a little petty.

00:31:17.788 --> 00:31:20.971
And so, uh, we are a little petty.

00:31:20.971 --> 00:31:21.633
For sure.

00:31:21.633 --> 00:31:25.560
You're a fan it's three generations Fan of the foolishness.

00:31:25.560 --> 00:31:30.391
So, again, if I realize that, I will say no.

00:31:30.391 --> 00:31:38.087
I feel like at this point in time we're not going to be able to have the conversation that needs to be had.

00:31:38.087 --> 00:31:41.525
Let's separate for a moment, but let's come back to it.

00:31:41.525 --> 00:31:43.298
Don't let it fester, because that's one thing.

00:31:43.298 --> 00:31:46.067
We asked you know divorced couples over the years?

00:31:46.067 --> 00:31:56.230
And they said like it's those small moments, it's those small fights that you let fester and you don't talk about that, build up that resentment and build up a wall.

00:31:56.230 --> 00:31:58.236
It really does end up becoming a wall.

00:31:58.576 --> 00:32:07.421
and now you're walking past each other in the hallway and sometimes some people bumping each other bumping each other and what makes it even worse, too, is that they won't have the conversation with the, the spouse.

00:32:07.842 --> 00:32:17.636
But then we'll go have a conversation with your aunt, or your cousin or your friend or your mom, and now they're looking at your partner crazy, yes right, walking the hair salon, everybody rolling their eyes.

00:32:17.817 --> 00:32:19.040
You're like, dang, what did I do?

00:32:19.040 --> 00:32:23.623
And it's like, well, she's been telling all your business that she hasn't been talking to you about, and vice versa.

00:32:23.623 --> 00:32:28.007
It can be the same thing, and I think to that point and I want to say too, there are examples.

00:32:28.007 --> 00:32:40.627
It's just unfortunate that the examples that are positive don't get talked about enough, like the lo cool jays and his wife, the morris chess, like where they've been married 30 years, 25 years, and they're not, you know, in the drama or anything negative.

00:32:40.627 --> 00:32:50.920
But we see, like you know, the drama and the craziness, and I think people think that that's okay because it's like, oh, I looked up to them in that situation.

00:32:50.920 --> 00:33:02.423
So I love that we're giving some examples of like these are what this is what have helped us in our journey, and it's not just like, oh, this might work, like, no, we've actually implemented these things.

00:33:02.784 --> 00:33:03.698
Yes, and again we're.

00:33:03.698 --> 00:33:16.944
You know we're eight years in, we are not on that, you know, 20, 30, 40 year mark yet, but we have made it such a point to be able to to build on our foundation and build a healthy way on our foundation.

00:33:16.944 --> 00:33:33.039
But we did have to unlearn quite a bit and you know, being in therapy, something that I have heard from my therapist over and over is you are reparenting yourself and that's so powerful because, again, your parents are your idols, right, like they're the ones, they're your first role models.

00:33:33.039 --> 00:33:41.117
They are setting the stage for how you should act, react, have conversations, everything across the board.

00:33:41.117 --> 00:33:53.747
And so, if you are having to then reparent yourself, not only is it extremely difficult, but when we talk about that self-awareness piece, when you have to start self-reflecting and saying like, oh, shoot, okay, oh, this is me.

00:33:53.747 --> 00:33:59.702
I thought this was the other person the entire time, but this may be me, and that's hard to do.

00:33:59.864 --> 00:34:22.978
And that goes into the honesty and transparency that we talked about before, where you have to be honest with yourself, transparent with yourself, and then relay that to your partner in a way that still allows you to be vulnerable, but in a way that's where you are now right, like meet yourself where you are currently and you'll see that it's going to just continue to flourish when you do.

00:34:22.978 --> 00:34:32.864
Just keep chugging out those healthy behaviors in your relationship and give yourself and your partner not only the benefit of the doubt but the grace as well, because you're learning.

00:34:32.864 --> 00:34:37.284
You're relearning, I should say, and it's difficult to do when you're relearning anything.

00:34:37.284 --> 00:34:41.157
I know for us, you know, we're trying to both learn Spanish right now and it's like gosh.

00:34:41.157 --> 00:34:48.206
I wish I would have paid attention in high school when I was learning, because it's hard to have to relearn something or to learn something.

00:34:49.317 --> 00:34:52.025
So it was something that you said on the, on the unlearning.

00:34:52.025 --> 00:35:05.552
I think one of the big adjustments that that I had to make and this is going to sound kind of crazy, but like in my mind and what I saw growing up was like, once you get married, like you're married, that's your wife, like you got her, like that's like.

00:35:07.233 --> 00:35:07.592
That's it.

00:35:07.693 --> 00:35:08.012
Job's done.

00:35:09.835 --> 00:35:11.039
White my hands clean.

00:35:11.039 --> 00:35:19.900
Now we're you know we're in it Versus in seeing it now, because it's almost like you know.

00:35:19.900 --> 00:35:20.302
You know it's crazy.

00:35:20.302 --> 00:35:22.273
Marriage is almost like the transfer portal in college now, like literally at any point man.

00:35:22.273 --> 00:35:25.003
It's like this guy was playing for USC, now he's playing for Alabama.

00:35:25.003 --> 00:35:25.907
Like where did he go?

00:35:25.907 --> 00:35:32.706
This is last season, but that's almost how you're seeing people jump from, like marriage or relationship or things like that.

00:35:32.706 --> 00:35:45.338
But what that told me and shifted my approach into relearning was like it's almost like you're on loan, Like your partner is, like you have to continue to put in that work in your relationship.

00:35:45.338 --> 00:35:52.182
It's not just a automatic and I can just expect that like they're going to be there, and that was a shift for me.

00:35:52.242 --> 00:35:53.065
Oh man.

00:35:53.065 --> 00:36:00.327
So the shift for me was like okay, not only do I want to put my best foot forward, but I want to continue to date my wife.

00:36:00.327 --> 00:36:03.697
I want to continue to enjoy spending time together.

00:36:03.697 --> 00:36:10.438
Right, I want to continue to be like we're building on something and putting the effort in, versus like you kind of just you know, let the plant there.

00:36:10.438 --> 00:36:15.003
You're not watering it, but you're like it's supposed to grow, it's supposed to stay right here and just you know up.

00:36:15.003 --> 00:36:17.567
But that's not how it works in real life.

00:36:17.666 --> 00:36:19.449
I feel like no, not at all.

00:36:19.449 --> 00:36:29.034
And taking that a step further we've mentioned this multiple times is even where we are now in our relationship, but then also in life.

00:36:29.034 --> 00:36:32.400
We feel like we've had two, three, even four versions of ourselves.

00:36:33.260 --> 00:36:43.427
And so now you are trying to in a marriage, you're trying to figure out how does this new version first off, what does it look like?

00:36:43.427 --> 00:36:47.458
Second of all, what does the interaction now look like between us?

00:36:47.458 --> 00:36:51.327
Because, again, when we were 25, 26, that's not what it looks like at 34.

00:36:51.327 --> 00:36:53.159
We've had a lot of life lessons.

00:36:53.159 --> 00:36:59.916
We've had a lot of things happen in our life that has made us lot of life lessons.

00:36:59.916 --> 00:37:09.923
We've had a lot of things happen in our life that has made us rethink and also put ourselves into a position where, okay, what may have served us when we were in our 20s doesn't serve us now in our 30s.

00:37:09.923 --> 00:37:11.170
So how do we adjust that?

00:37:11.170 --> 00:37:12.335
How do we make that adjustment?

00:37:12.755 --> 00:37:28.860
And some of that is talking about the expectations, but continuously talking about your expectations, whether that's an annual thing, whether that's something every five years, whatever that looks like, but talking about hey, this is where I am in life and I know you've maybe been noticing some shifts in me.

00:37:28.860 --> 00:37:30.304
This is where I am.

00:37:30.304 --> 00:37:43.583
These are now some of my new expectations and I know for even us, uh, we were gifted the five love languages Huge, that was incredible for us to do when we were first married and quality time for me was one of my major.

00:37:43.583 --> 00:37:45.347
That was like number one for me actually.

00:37:45.347 --> 00:37:58.436
But now that I'm, you know, 34 and I'm seeing that life is not only getting faster, but we're just we're doing so much more now, acts of service is a little bit more important to me now.

00:37:58.436 --> 00:38:00.501
That's a little bit more of my love language.

00:38:00.501 --> 00:38:10.284
So I think again, just looking back at we don't need to be stagnant and rigid and this is who you are and you're never going to change, because that's not true, that's not human nature.

00:38:10.284 --> 00:38:13.155
We do grow, we do evolve, whether it's positive or negative.

00:38:13.155 --> 00:38:14.619
And how do you grow?

00:38:14.679 --> 00:38:23.036
Together is the key, because we've heard time and time again, especially when kids leave out of the house now all of a sudden we're going opposite ways.

00:38:23.036 --> 00:38:26.485
We didn't grow together when we had the kids and now they're gone and it's.

00:38:26.485 --> 00:38:29.019
We're looking at each other and that wall of resentment is there.

00:38:29.019 --> 00:38:30.844
We're walking past each other.

00:38:30.844 --> 00:38:48.509
I'm looking at you like, oh, I don't know if I want to be in this anymore and uh, but if you're continuously working on your relationship, then that could be something that is minimized, or that you are just making an effort to show that, hey, I'm still in this.

00:38:48.509 --> 00:38:54.304
I'm going to be in this for life, because marriage is for life, and we're going to work together.

00:38:54.304 --> 00:38:55.567
We're going to do this together.

00:38:55.567 --> 00:38:57.695
We're going to grow together, but again I'm this together, we're going to grow together.

00:38:57.695 --> 00:39:00.478
But again, I'm always going to say give grace and benefit of the doubt.

00:39:01.159 --> 00:39:15.411
No, but the open communication and the open lines even give you an opportunity to go down that path and really being willing to adjust right, relearn, Because if we're not, it really puts you at a disadvantage because you're not giving yourself that chance.

00:39:15.411 --> 00:39:24.344
You know you're not even allowing your partner to open up, Something that I love, that we do, and you prompted this where we have like our end of the year.

00:39:24.364 --> 00:39:25.009
You know we're vision boarding.

00:39:25.028 --> 00:39:29.164
We're doing different things, but at the end of the year is the perfect time where you have that little break in December.

00:39:29.164 --> 00:39:31.639
But we'll go out, we'll do our typical date night.

00:39:31.639 --> 00:39:42.306
But we'll also look at some questions to see, basically like, where's your tank, where's your love tank, where's the emotional tank, where's the acts of service, like for each love language, how like?

00:39:42.306 --> 00:39:46.284
And we both will ask and respond, which I think is big of us.

00:39:46.284 --> 00:39:47.907
But we we think about you do it at work.

00:39:48.356 --> 00:39:53.788
Yeah, you do your performance review come on it's like, hey, how a b you know you get it in school.

00:39:53.788 --> 00:40:02.304
But like when our relationships we won't necessarily do a self-audit or even collaborate on, like, hey, where can I serve you better?

00:40:02.304 --> 00:40:03.327
How can we be better?

00:40:03.327 --> 00:40:07.048
What are some things that we can do to continue to grow and be your helpmate?

00:40:07.048 --> 00:40:14.420
So I think it's just really powerful and I know it's gonna really help some people too, just like seeing how it can evolve and you can still grow together.

00:40:14.420 --> 00:40:20.240
It doesn't have to be oh, one person's successful or you're both successful and like you gotta be doing your own separate things.

00:40:20.835 --> 00:40:24.224
Yeah, and that's actually a great way to.

00:40:24.224 --> 00:40:29.744
On an individual side, sometimes you need to figure out yourself first.

00:40:29.744 --> 00:40:35.643
And let me figure out actually where I am, my new mindset, that I'm having, these new shifts that I'm having in my spirit.

00:40:35.643 --> 00:40:38.844
Let me go and plan time away.

00:40:38.844 --> 00:40:44.606
That's going to be another tip that we have, because it's easy to get lost in a relationship, as we just talked about before.

00:40:44.606 --> 00:40:55.208
I know I've mentioned that, I believe in some of our previous episodes where, when we first got married, I did feel a little lost in the relationship.

00:40:55.208 --> 00:40:59.003
There were some other things that were going on behind the scenes and I remember just thinking like where do I fit in?

00:40:59.003 --> 00:41:00.927
I don't know where I fit in.

00:41:00.927 --> 00:41:03.661
I know who I am, but where do I fit into this equation?

00:41:04.543 --> 00:41:10.081
And sometimes that time apart can be extremely valuable, even if it's just.

00:41:10.081 --> 00:41:29.021
You know, I always I mentioned this to moms or people that are in a relationship where have that solo date, have that time where it's maybe an hour or two hours where somebody can watch the kids and support you in that way, but then go out and see you know what.

00:41:29.021 --> 00:41:33.806
What does my heart and my spirit kind of want me to do at this time.

00:41:33.806 --> 00:41:39.222
Maybe I want to try a new activity, maybe I want to try something that I've been wanting to do since I was a child.

00:41:39.222 --> 00:41:45.010
Maybe I want to actually, I used to love to sing when I was younger, but I haven't sang in some time.

00:41:45.050 --> 00:42:08.268
Maybe I just go to karaoke by myself, like you know, and try things that are going to add value to you, because then that's going to give you the space to add value to the relationship, because you're able to then express your expectations in a different way, because you were doing that work and it's a little bit of the shadow work, where you are looking into the shadows of yourself, where it's.

00:42:08.268 --> 00:42:16.864
You know, I haven't looked in this space in a while and this is hard and it's uncomfortable, but let me just see what this, what this looks like and and where.

00:42:16.864 --> 00:42:21.998
What are the lessons I can get from this?

00:42:21.998 --> 00:42:22.782
Where can I grow from this and how can?

00:42:22.802 --> 00:42:23.565
I also bring this into my relationship.

00:42:23.565 --> 00:42:24.449
Yeah, I really liked that too.

00:42:24.449 --> 00:42:35.509
When you, when you say that time cause for me, the gym is that space for me when I get a chance, by the time I get done, whether it's running, stair, master, elliptical, after that cardio is nothing like my whole mindset.

00:42:35.509 --> 00:42:42.086
I might have what I initially thought of the initial dialogue or conversation or what we chatted about after the workout.

00:42:42.086 --> 00:42:48.367
I'm like I've got a little bit of a different take on that now, just because I've had time to think through it.

00:42:48.367 --> 00:42:56.322
I got my workout, I processed it, I saw it from another vantage point, and something that I realized too is that two things can be true.

00:42:56.663 --> 00:42:56.963
Yes.

00:42:57.195 --> 00:43:02.184
And so often it has to be black and white, and that was an unlearning for me was that it doesn't always have to be black and white.

00:43:02.184 --> 00:43:03.800
There's not like one right, one wrong.

00:43:03.800 --> 00:43:08.505
Like she could be right that she wants you to dump the trash, you could also be right.

00:43:08.505 --> 00:43:11.657
They're like maybe you forgot, like those two things can be true.

00:43:11.657 --> 00:43:35.996
But how do we get on the same page and I think that's where there's opportunity to whether it's step away for a second, go get your workout in, go sing or do karaoke, maybe go and enjoy some time where you can kind of step out of the situation, Because it can be tough when, like, maybe it's a little bit heated or there's, you know, that, healthy dialogue, right, and conversation, but you're like we're sitting here together now it's a little awkward.

00:43:35.996 --> 00:43:46.088
Let me actually go and like get that workout in and come back and maybe you know that's kind of opened up the space to dive back into and like really move past it onto the next thing.

00:43:46.414 --> 00:43:48.681
Right and have a little bit of me time, right, like that's.

00:43:48.681 --> 00:44:02.501
That's really what we're saying, but if you want to do something, I do suggest having that conversation with your partner in advance of just hey this is oh, you don't want to just get up and walk out, you don't want to just get up and walk out, especially if it happens to be after you know a fight or something like that.

00:44:02.501 --> 00:44:04.465
That could be a little, that's not a good look.

00:44:04.606 --> 00:44:07.541
That could be misinterpreted, so I think the locks could be changed when you get back.

00:44:07.742 --> 00:44:11.858
Okay, so plan some time away, I think.

00:44:11.858 --> 00:44:17.101
Partner for yourself, spouse, but be a better partner to yourself as well.

00:44:17.101 --> 00:44:21.065
So then going into the next one is learn your partner's stressors.

00:44:21.065 --> 00:44:22.585
Oh my goodness.

00:44:22.985 --> 00:44:30.871
First thing that came to my mind and you hit me with this, which I love, and I think this is for like kids, but I feel like it applies to everybody, but I think it's HALT Is that the acronym?

00:44:31.112 --> 00:44:38.981
Yes, hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

00:44:38.981 --> 00:44:40.023
I was like these are I'm like.

00:44:40.023 --> 00:44:41.568
I was like am I?

00:44:41.608 --> 00:44:43.440
six Am I like a kindergartner?

00:44:43.440 --> 00:44:49.565
Because I'm hungry and I feel like I'm a little bit irritable and it doesn't matter what you say to me right now until I eat something.

00:44:49.565 --> 00:44:51.280
I'm like I'm on edge.

00:44:51.460 --> 00:44:51.742
Yes.

00:44:51.742 --> 00:44:54.599
So to that point what makes your partner anxious or upset?

00:44:54.739 --> 00:44:57.403
But what I realized, similar to it.

00:44:57.403 --> 00:45:02.704
I don't know if this is how kids respond to it, but when, like, you get asked like, oh, are you hungry?

00:45:02.704 --> 00:45:05.764
Like are you lonely, are you tired?

00:45:05.764 --> 00:45:11.188
And you really think about it and you're like I'm one, if not all three of those right now.

00:45:11.355 --> 00:45:12.699
I've been fighting my sleep this whole time.

00:45:12.780 --> 00:45:28.371
I've been tired all day and so like it ends up almost like taking down a barrier, a little bit of being like no, like that's it, it's actually not this, like that was misplaced or displaced, and I'm actually like I'm starving right now.

00:45:28.371 --> 00:45:32.126
I've been intermittent fasting and I'm just like snapping on everybody and it's like, okay, that was the root.

00:45:32.126 --> 00:45:41.829
So I just think to to that point, finding that way to communicate, but also like identifying is the thing the thing, or is it really just like halt?

00:45:42.454 --> 00:45:49.768
Correct and going back to the viral clip that you were talking about earlier, she was saying the stressors for her was mainly in the morning.

00:45:49.768 --> 00:45:58.827
The morning is very stressful for me trying to get four kids up, trying to get their breakfast together, their lunch together, get them out the door, get myself ready.

00:45:58.827 --> 00:46:01.030
That is a major stressor for me.

00:46:01.030 --> 00:46:16.023
This is a way that you can help and I just need you to follow through, and that's really what we talk about, cause, again, you may not agree with somebody's stressor, like you may not agree that my mornings are that busy, but I still need you to validate it.

00:46:16.023 --> 00:46:22.527
It's not don't invalidate how I feel because you don't agree with it and don't avoid it because you don't agree with it.

00:46:22.786 --> 00:46:44.057
Like, let's really talk about this head on, because what this is going to do is it's going to allow us to have a more uh, maybe calm I don't know if that's the right word but have a more just, calm morning where I'm not starting off stressed, I'm starting off very eased into my morning and the amount of women that I hear that are saying like I would love that.

00:46:44.057 --> 00:46:59.777
That would be absolutely incredible if I didn't have to stress so much about almost everything and we've talked about invisible labor before on previous episodes, where men are not being tasked with the okay, what's going on in the kid's life?

00:46:59.777 --> 00:47:00.923
Do they have recitals?

00:47:00.923 --> 00:47:02.472
What about the amount of practices?

00:47:02.492 --> 00:47:03.135
that we heard a podcast.

00:47:03.135 --> 00:47:04.739
You know their social security numbers?

00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:07.226
do you know the last time they went to the doctor, do you know?

00:47:07.226 --> 00:47:08.920
Okay, so this is our day.

00:47:08.920 --> 00:47:13.438
I need to be ready by 4 15 to get the kids ready, to get the kids at practice by five.

00:47:13.438 --> 00:47:14.943
I need to pick them up by six.

00:47:14.943 --> 00:47:22.987
Literally, that is the the mindset of women constantly, every day of okay, what do I need to get done, why, what time?

00:47:22.987 --> 00:47:24.215
I need to plan it out.

00:47:24.376 --> 00:47:32.581
And I don't think men know that that's what's going on in women's heads, and so when we lash out, it's like whoa, that kind of came out of nowhere, what's going on?

00:47:32.581 --> 00:47:40.561
But I'm playing all of these things in my head of the stressors that are happening and I just need help.

00:47:40.561 --> 00:47:41.443
I need a help me.

00:47:41.443 --> 00:48:02.304
I need somebody that is going to see that the kids are going to eat the same thing every morning, or the kids are going to have the same, you know, um kind of um lunch or something like that, like there's some consistency, and so I just need you to kind of leverage yourself in there and say, okay, well, I know that she gets these water bottles ready the night before.

00:48:02.304 --> 00:48:06.940
I know that these are the lunch boxes that I can already have out on the counter.

00:48:06.940 --> 00:48:13.659
I know that this is what I see her do, or that she has expressed to me, and this is how I'm going to.

00:48:13.659 --> 00:48:15.061
I'm just going to do it.

00:48:15.764 --> 00:48:17.065
And I think so.

00:48:17.065 --> 00:48:26.806
I know we've given a lot of feedback for the husbands and the guys and I think there's something that is the next step when the husband does dump that trash and unload that dishwasher.

00:48:26.806 --> 00:48:33.824
And for me, like I'm, you know, we kind of mentioned petty and I don't think this is a petty thing, it's just more, so like if it don't get acknowledged, I'm going to bring it to your attention.

00:48:34.023 --> 00:48:34.284
Yes.

00:48:34.525 --> 00:48:35.065
Did you see?

00:48:35.326 --> 00:48:35.586
Yes.

00:48:35.706 --> 00:48:37.469
That that trash was emptied earlier.

00:48:37.469 --> 00:48:39.291
Did you see that that so like?

00:48:39.331 --> 00:48:42.418
which is appreciated, because sometimes you do forget it's again.

00:48:42.418 --> 00:48:44.806
Life is lifing and you're going through the motions.

00:48:44.806 --> 00:48:46.478
It's like, oh my gosh, I did see that.

00:48:46.478 --> 00:48:48.463
I'm so sorry I didn't say something.

00:48:48.463 --> 00:48:50.146
I appreciate you so much.

00:48:50.146 --> 00:48:51.617
That helped tremendously.

00:48:51.617 --> 00:48:53.442
Thank you for listening to me.

00:48:53.882 --> 00:49:03.960
Because now, instead of it being a negative reaction, the husband is seeing what positive reinforcement and how great being able to help out in the mornings, how beneficial it is.

00:49:03.960 --> 00:49:07.942
Because you get a text with the reaction of like thanks so much, today was a breeze.

00:49:07.942 --> 00:49:11.561
And you're like, oh man, it was that easy and it was just 15 minutes of like dumping the trash.

00:49:11.561 --> 00:49:17.360
But I think that's the like, the full circle-ness of you expressed what you wanted.

00:49:17.360 --> 00:49:19.487
He helped.

00:49:19.487 --> 00:49:26.188
But now, like I appreciate you helping versus like you help, and you're like, oh, it didn't even nobody, even nobody even noticed.

00:49:26.188 --> 00:49:28.320
Yes, I'm in here, you know, I'm here doing all the dishes.

00:49:28.320 --> 00:49:29.184
Nobody said anything.

00:49:29.184 --> 00:49:31.882
But you know, I think that's kind of like that other piece.

00:49:32.184 --> 00:49:51.336
Yes, and I'm just going to throw it out there, I feel like, as women, when we see that our husbands are actively listening to us, they are being helpmates, they are trying to make our lives easier, they're listening to our stressors, they're helping out with our anxiety, it's like, listen, I'm more willing to give up the goodies.

00:49:51.336 --> 00:49:52.378
I mean I will.

00:49:52.378 --> 00:49:53.179
I'm up Like.

00:49:53.239 --> 00:49:54.282
I'm here, I'm here for the goodies.

00:49:54.282 --> 00:49:56.364
I mean I'm ready to give up the goodies.00:49:56.505 --> 00:49:58.527


Okay, Because again I have more.00:49:58.527 --> 00:49:59.469


I'm not as tired.00:49:59.650 --> 00:50:02.282


So you say you're ready, I'm ready to glove up, glove up.00:50:02.282 --> 00:50:03.385


Okay, bring on my gloves.00:50:03.875 --> 00:50:05.340


Listen, we may have to take a break in the middle.00:50:05.340 --> 00:50:05.681


I don't know.00:50:05.681 --> 00:50:06.264


We'll figure it out.00:50:06.264 --> 00:50:21.942


You be a better spouse and that is, prioritize your spouse's priorities and show up.00:50:21.942 --> 00:50:23.889


That's a big one, that's a good one, and we've kind of been touching on it.00:50:23.889 --> 00:50:24.713


We have the episode but big time.00:50:24.753 --> 00:50:36.916


And I think I think just showing genuine interest right, and I think about a lot of times there's things that you, if you're listening, that you're, but you know your spouse cares about and if you are listening, you can show up for that.00:50:36.916 --> 00:50:47.286


And it can be something super small where we're talking about, like hey, I love this show or I love this game, like it's a Super Bowl, like I'm fortunate that you love football and sports, just like I do.00:50:47.286 --> 00:51:01.255


But if you didn't, like you still some of the shows I watch, like certain things you're like, oh, I wouldn't watch this, but you watch it with me, and I feel like that's on the small side of like a sacrifice or showing interest and showing intrigue, and that's something we can do together.00:51:01.255 --> 00:51:04.324


I think the same way it applies to the bigger things.00:51:04.324 --> 00:51:13.186


If your partner is in a program or studying something, or like, even if you like it's not your cup of tea, you may not like Harry Potter, but like, hey, how's the book going?00:51:13.186 --> 00:51:14.434


Like, tell me more.00:51:14.576 --> 00:51:15.115


Thank you.00:51:15.175 --> 00:51:21.559


And just listen for a bit, right, and I think sometimes those little things get overlooked when we're in the relationship.00:51:21.559 --> 00:51:26.621


But what I want to tell especially the fellows or anybody in a relationship, go back to when you were single.00:51:26.621 --> 00:51:28.663


You were listening to all types of stuff.00:51:28.663 --> 00:51:34.887


When you're texting and you're trying to get that date or trying to hang out again or you're trying to get to know the person You're like, oh, You're very attentive.00:51:34.907 --> 00:51:36.447


What are you up to the effort you're putting in?00:51:36.467 --> 00:51:41.550


come on the effort is good morning, Good morning, beautiful, good morning, beautiful Picture emoji.00:51:41.550 --> 00:51:45.152


And then it's like you get married two years ago, by five years ago.00:51:45.152 --> 00:51:56.869


By Now it's like I'm not sending those emojis, I'm no longer sending the gifts, and I think that's that point that keep dating your spouse, not feeling that you've got to the final destination.00:51:56.869 --> 00:52:06.023


No, no, no, we're building together, like this is a journey now that we're on together and we're going to this next spot, but we've got to make sure we're on the same page 100%.00:52:06.384 --> 00:52:13.887


I think also to add to your point telling your spouse that if it's important to you, it's important to me.00:52:13.887 --> 00:52:16.737


So simple.00:52:16.998 --> 00:52:39.262


Something that came to my so simple but so effective so, so simple, so effective, but something that came to my mind to that point if it's important you, it's important to me, and that is also prioritizing your partner, because there's so many times where we see that the partner gets put after maybe your mom, after your best friends, after work, after all of these things, and it's like, well, we'll wait.00:52:39.262 --> 00:52:44.518


Let's prioritize and remember that, like we are together, we're one team.00:52:44.579 --> 00:52:47.300


We're a team and this is aside from like faith.00:52:47.300 --> 00:52:52.583


Like God, you are the next most important thing and you know as far as your partner and your spouse.00:52:52.583 --> 00:53:03.340


So I think that can be lost sometimes in like all the things that are going around, going on in the day to day and in life and it's like no, let's get back focused on the main thing.00:53:03.360 --> 00:53:19.961


Yes, and interesting, that goes to something that I wrote down, which is when you're prioritizing your partner's priorities and you're showing up, that can look like being reliable, being dependent, being a partner that I can lean on and count on.00:53:20.844 --> 00:53:36.695


I know that if I maybe am dropping the ball somewhere because I have so many balls in the air that you're going to come up behind me and you're going to pick that up, because it's one of those things where, again, I feel as if we are partners in this, like a marriage is a partnership.00:53:37.235 --> 00:53:49.438


If, if there's an area where I may be lacking or I'm just not able to get to it right now like, can you please come up behind me and back clean up right, Like if we want to go back to a sports kind of metaphor, but can you back clean up?00:53:49.438 --> 00:53:57.320


I need you, I need to be able to depend on you, because if I can't depend on you, then I know a lot of women that will say you know, I don't.00:53:57.320 --> 00:54:15.842


I just I don't rely on my husband, I don't depend on him because I know he's going to drop the ball, and that's really sad when you do hear something like that, because this is somebody that you have made a commitment to for life and so if you feel like you can't rely on them or depend on them, really count on them, then it becomes can I trust you?00:54:15.842 --> 00:54:22.682


And now, when we start talking about trust in a relationship there, it can get closer to there is no relationship.00:54:22.702 --> 00:54:23.527


Can I tell you what blew my mind, though?00:54:23.527 --> 00:54:32.518


That you told me recently how many mothers, and like wives, don't trust their husbands with the kids, like I don't trust him to watch them by themselves.00:54:32.599 --> 00:54:33.139


That was beyond.00:54:33.139 --> 00:54:43.014


We don't have kids yet, but like that was beyond me, like I what you have to be supervised with your own kids, and not like in a supervised way, but just more so just because you don't know what you're doing.00:54:43.014 --> 00:54:56.675


To me that's like we got to step up, that's for the fellows we got to step up if it's because we don't know how to change the diapers, or like we don't know how to feed, or we're just not watching, like we got to lock in because there's right and you don't know how to deal with a child or tantrum like cause.00:54:56.695 --> 00:55:00.581


You can't put all that pressure on one person because that goes back to the am I a single parent?00:55:00.581 --> 00:55:01.543


That goes back to the resent.00:55:01.543 --> 00:55:02.847


That goes back to the resentment, though.00:55:02.847 --> 00:55:07.679


We're like I had to deal with this entire problem, but you're here for the birthday and like the basketball game.00:55:07.971 --> 00:55:10.077


You want to be the good parent and I'm the bad parent.00:55:10.077 --> 00:55:12.456


That's something else we always hear.00:55:12.456 --> 00:55:17.739


Ooh mom go ask your mom or you guys aren't on the same page.00:55:17.739 --> 00:55:19.541


Your kids play, you guys where it's like.00:55:19.541 --> 00:55:23.664


I know that if I have this question, dad's gonna say yes, mom's gonna say no.00:55:23.844 --> 00:55:26.284


Well, he said yes and nobody wants to feel like the bad parent.00:55:26.284 --> 00:55:27.365


We are a team.00:55:27.365 --> 00:55:30.711


We should be on the same page, even if we don't agree.00:55:30.711 --> 00:55:33.177


We need to be on the same page in some way, shape or form.00:55:33.177 --> 00:55:44.110


So I think, after all of this is said and done, and that people are putting in the effort, they are prioritizing and showing up in the relationship is show affection and show appreciation.00:55:44.110 --> 00:55:49.579


And that's what you were talking about before when you said if I do the dishes and you don't say something, where the goodies at.00:55:51.813 --> 00:55:55.621


I am not feeling appreciated, and we all want to be appreciated, we want to be valued.00:55:55.621 --> 00:55:58.797


I already knew, I knew you were going to say that.00:55:58.797 --> 00:55:59.652


I knew you were going to say that.00:55:59.652 --> 00:56:05.233


I knew you were going to say that Cause again, that's top, that's top of mind which I also feel let's just be honest, let's just be real.00:56:06.318 --> 00:56:25.121


I feel like that was something, too, in the first four years of our marriage, where you did feel as if okay, well, if I am doing some of these house chores and if I am folding the laundry like it's an expectation that needs to be on deck ready I need to walk in and it's, it's here, it's on the floor the cherry lounge is ready to go.00:56:25.563 --> 00:56:31.722


You know, and I I think that's something that a lot of women don't we're not thinking like that.00:56:31.722 --> 00:56:33.972


We're thinking oh my gosh, you just helped me.00:56:33.972 --> 00:56:35.393


Thank you so much.00:56:35.393 --> 00:56:39.081


That's why I want to give you some more of the goodies.00:56:39.081 --> 00:56:42.072


Not like you should be, it's an expectation.00:56:42.072 --> 00:56:45.952


Because when it starts becoming an expectation, it's like okay, hold on now, like you're helping around the house.00:56:45.952 --> 00:56:48.396


We both live in this house.00:56:48.396 --> 00:56:50.121


We I'm doing there's.00:56:50.121 --> 00:56:52.293


We both are, you know, eating off these dishes.00:56:52.293 --> 00:56:53.655


We both have dirty laundry.00:56:53.896 --> 00:57:03.143


We both need to like vacuum the floor it's a team, it's teamwork right, which is why you do want to tell your partner how much they mean to you.00:57:03.143 --> 00:57:08.342


And I know something that we do every day randomly we'll just say babe, I love you so much.00:57:08.342 --> 00:57:11.831


We'll just say random stuff like that, or just I appreciate you so much.00:57:11.831 --> 00:57:24.882


Randomly, almost every day we'll say something of that nature to each other, just to remind each other that like hey, I'm thinking of you 100%, and something else that came to my mind, and this is I'm giving away like.00:57:25.103 --> 00:57:36.875


I'm giving away like a game right now, because the fellas one of the biggest game changers and it's kind of it reminds me and I'm shout out to my mom's because she used to write like notes in my lunch, like have a great day.00:57:36.894 --> 00:57:39.940


Like, hey, enjoy your lunch right, home-cooked lunch, I appreciate it, but this is the like.00:57:39.940 --> 00:57:42.974


The pro tip is, if you have a sticky note, this costs you like no money.00:57:42.974 --> 00:57:55.552


It'll take five seconds, but write a quick like I appreciate you or thanks for breakfast, or just whatever it is, to your partner, to your spouse, on a sticky note and just put it on the mirror in the bathroom.00:57:55.552 --> 00:57:59.217


So now when she wakes up she comes in and she's looking in the mirror.00:57:59.237 --> 00:58:16.117


She sees a note from you that says I appreciate you, I love you, have a great day, and it sounds like man, and I really didn't realize how far it went until I saw your reaction to the note and I'm like oh man, I can do these little sticky notes every day.00:58:16.137 --> 00:58:16.577


Like now it's routine.00:58:16.577 --> 00:58:21.144


Yeah, this is two minutes out of my day to let my partner know that I'm thinking about them.00:58:21.144 --> 00:58:44.289


I am, in a way, showing affection for them as well, because, again, not all affection needs to be physical affection and I feel like that can be misconstrued in a marriage when we are sometimes just having that quality, quality time we're sitting down on the couch, we have a glass of wine, we're by the fire and you know our, our features are entangled within each other and we're having a deep conversation.00:58:44.289 --> 00:58:46.596


Like that's another way of showing affection too.00:58:46.596 --> 00:58:54.630


So there's different ways to show affection, but again, like we've been talking saying, ask your partner what type of affection are they looking for?00:58:54.630 --> 00:58:55.994


Because some may be.00:58:56.034 --> 00:59:01.043


No, I'm more on the physical side, like I need to be skin to skin contact, I need to be touching you.00:59:01.043 --> 00:59:03.918


Sometimes it's just, I want you to just think about me throughout the day.00:59:03.918 --> 00:59:15.018


Just send me a note, just a quick text, Like hey, I just saw you know something that reminds you of a memory of the two of you and I shot you a quick text about it.00:59:15.018 --> 00:59:17.514


And now it's like, oh, my gosh, gosh, this was so sweet.00:59:17.514 --> 00:59:18.737


Like you thought of me throughout the day.00:59:18.757 --> 00:59:29.773


That makes me feel really good and that fills my love tank and and it goes back to what we talked about earlier when you were in the courting stage, you were sending them texts all day all day gift text what you doing tonight.00:59:29.773 --> 00:59:31.099


Can we go out this weekend?00:59:31.099 --> 00:59:32.023


What's up?00:59:32.023 --> 00:59:32.925


What are you up to?00:59:32.925 --> 00:59:34.572


Why are you taking so long to text me?00:59:34.572 --> 00:59:37.197


Back exactly now you're in a full-on marriage.00:59:37.197 --> 00:59:38.400


You got her girl.00:59:38.400 --> 00:59:42.021


You're the woman of your dreams you work so hard to get you and you're not hitting her.00:59:42.041 --> 00:59:48.894


You're leaving her on red or vice versa, because there's a lot of women out there, shoot your shot girl, you're leaving people on red and your partner's like did you get my message?00:59:49.076 --> 00:59:49.918


did you text me back?00:59:49.918 --> 00:59:51.746


Like, did you get your lunch, did you?00:59:51.746 --> 01:00:11.398


Yeah, so like, I think there's just that opportunity to also have that reflection of like man, appreciate what you have and also like show that value and pour in right to your relationship, because you're going to get that back out in the love, in the like your love tank or your relationship tank being more full.01:00:11.398 --> 01:00:19.949


And I would say that's been really key in us continuing to like just build together but also being happy Like you don't have to be in a marriage and it's like the old ball and chain, like, no, that doesn't have to be how it is.01:00:19.949 --> 01:00:20.588


You don't have to be in a marriage and it's like the old ball and chain.01:00:20.789 --> 01:00:22.315


Like no, that doesn't have to be how it is.01:00:22.335 --> 01:00:24.755


That doesn't have to be it and that does you know?01:00:24.755 --> 01:00:33.775


We may need to do another episode, because we've been getting a lot of frequently asked questions about dating and how to choose your spouse, like how do I choose the right person?01:00:33.775 --> 01:00:34.831


How do you know this is the right person?01:00:34.851 --> 01:00:35.793


I had a big criteria.01:00:35.793 --> 01:00:37.414


I had a big criteria That'll have to be episode Listen.01:00:37.414 --> 01:00:40.639


Okay, I want to tell you, listen, they're almost going to go past Dave and Buster's.01:00:40.920 --> 01:00:41.639


We've talked about that.01:00:41.820 --> 01:00:51.347


Don't look at me like that, like we didn't talk about that, like that's the news to you, speaking of which last tip is check in.01:00:51.347 --> 01:01:13.172


Is check in, yes, so being thoughtful in your interactions with each other, being able to stay curious, to continue again, like we just mentioned, you're going to find new versions of not only yourself but your partner and stay curious and say, hey, you know, um, this was something I've actually been noticing, which goes to being seen in your relationship.01:01:13.172 --> 01:01:15.398


This is something I've been noticing in you know.01:01:15.398 --> 01:01:17.650


Hey, do you like, do you start liking this?01:01:17.650 --> 01:01:18.952


You know product, or do you like this?01:01:18.952 --> 01:01:19.193


You know um?01:01:19.193 --> 01:01:19.373


Cologne?01:01:19.373 --> 01:01:19.574


You know.01:01:19.574 --> 01:01:20.054


Hey, do you like?01:01:20.054 --> 01:01:20.596


Do you start liking this?01:01:20.617 --> 01:01:21.557


you know product, or do you like this?01:01:21.577 --> 01:01:34.204


you know cologne this activity, this, this, whatever, whatever that looks like, staying curious, staying thoughtful, staying engaged in the relationship, I think is something that can be overlooked but is so critical.01:01:35.250 --> 01:01:35.867


One hundred percent.01:01:35.867 --> 01:01:37.867


No, I love that and I'm glad we're going to talk about the date on the next episode.01:01:37.867 --> 01:01:38.400


So I appreciate everybody just tuning in.01:01:38.400 --> 01:01:38.735


Yes, 100%.01:01:38.735 --> 01:01:40.014


No, I love that and I'm glad we're going to talk about the dating on the next episode.01:01:40.014 --> 01:01:42.978


So I appreciate everybody just tuning in yes, quickly, though on the on.01:01:42.998 --> 01:01:50.264


The check-in is how often do you think people should, or more so, married people should, check in with each other?01:01:50.264 --> 01:01:55.259


I think it depends, right, it's kind of case by case on what you're talking about, but what would you?01:01:55.400 --> 01:02:03.266


I would say case by case, but I would say, at the very least, I'm gonna treat it almost like how would you treat work you're doing check like if things feel off.01:02:03.266 --> 01:02:10.112


If you feel like the numbers is way off, like I need to check in every day, every hour, but if you feel like things are good, maybe it's a weekly check-in.01:02:10.112 --> 01:02:14.411


And again, I think what we talked about with date night you should have date night.01:02:14.411 --> 01:02:17.315


You should have date night at least once a week, and this isn't spending money.01:02:17.315 --> 01:02:22.842


He could just be like you set up a picnic and then yeah, I'm here so like you're doing on that date?01:02:23.043 --> 01:02:28.125


it should be phones away, devices away phones away, if you can right, if you have kids, I understood.01:02:28.184 --> 01:02:38.666


But phones away, though, because you're not talking to the kids, having that conversation, that dialogue with your partner, because that can serve as a check-in without it being like this is a formal check-in.01:02:38.666 --> 01:02:42.956


It's like you're having dinner and it's like hey, how's your day today?01:02:43.498 --> 01:02:45.842


And it happens naturally and organically.01:02:45.842 --> 01:02:52.996


And sometimes for some people I know this is going to throw your partner off just by, like, setting up the date night, sending that reminder, sending that note.01:02:52.996 --> 01:02:54.771


She's going to be like is everything okay, like it's?01:02:54.771 --> 01:02:56.996


You know like, did you get a diagnosis?01:02:56.996 --> 01:02:58.440


You're like you're leaving love notes on the.01:02:58.440 --> 01:02:59.864


You know like did you get a diagnosis?01:02:59.864 --> 01:03:02.710


Like you're leaving love notes on the on the mirror.01:03:02.731 --> 01:03:04.239


But those are game changers to show that you care, that you know you're here.01:03:04.239 --> 01:03:07.456


For your part, yeah, it can change the trajectory of your entire relationship when you just start making small changes.01:03:07.456 --> 01:03:14.675


They don't need to be drastic, it's small changes and that's what we talk about a lot with physical health too, right, Just small changes to that.01:03:14.675 --> 01:03:15.617


But just quickly.01:03:15.617 --> 01:03:21.465


On the check-in piece you said case by case, right, trying to figure that out.01:03:21.465 --> 01:03:31.625


But when it also comes to checking in with your spouse, finding an opportunity to learn something new about them, I think that's also another great way.01:03:31.625 --> 01:03:40.664


And if you don't have the questions off the top of your head, Pinterest is a great opportunity to just type in hey, what are some questions that I can ask my spouse at dinner?01:03:40.664 --> 01:03:41.070


Right?01:03:41.070 --> 01:03:45.461


Those type of things where it's just taking a little bit of an extra step, a little bit more effort.01:03:45.710 --> 01:03:46.914


Or roses and thorns, what's?01:03:47.054 --> 01:03:47.998


one rose from today.01:03:48.110 --> 01:03:55.900


What's maybe one thorn just to get the dialogue going of what's a positive and negative, so you guys can just start sharing, because sometimes it can be like oof, we're talking about work.01:04:05.750 --> 01:04:08.717


We're talking about kids, we're talking about work, we're talking about kids, we're talking about everything, but like us and each other.01:04:08.717 --> 01:04:10.221


But that can help you focus, yes, and I think two things.01:04:10.221 --> 01:04:13.248


So number one is saying to your partner when you ask them a question, do you want me to listen?01:04:13.248 --> 01:04:14.530


Do you want me to solve it for you?01:04:14.530 --> 01:04:16.838


I think those are kind of two ways too, because sometimes, especially for women, sometimes you just want to vent.01:04:16.838 --> 01:04:17.862


I don't think you want to solve stuff for me, you.01:04:17.862 --> 01:04:21.695


I think those are kind of two ways too, because sometimes, especially for women, sometimes you just want to vent.01:04:21.715 --> 01:04:24.815


I don't think you want to solve stuff for me and you just like I'm just venting.01:04:24.875 --> 01:04:25.438


I'm like I'm over here.01:04:25.478 --> 01:04:28.931


I'm over here connecting the dots Like okay, well, maybe we can do this or maybe we can figure it out.01:04:28.931 --> 01:04:42.414


I'm like, no, I just want to vent, because I men do the amount of words we speak double the the amount of words that men do per day.01:04:42.414 --> 01:04:44.579


So we want to naturally talk.01:04:44.579 --> 01:04:47.652


So sometimes just listen, like we just want you to listen.01:04:47.652 --> 01:04:54.865


Sometimes I do want you to solve, like hey, I'm coming to you, I have had this issue or I don't know where to find the resolution.01:04:54.865 --> 01:04:55.469


Can you help me?01:04:55.469 --> 01:04:56.751


I'd love your feedback on that.01:04:56.751 --> 01:05:09.043


So I think these are all great ways just to quickly go over the 10 ways to be a better spouse cultivate self-awareness, listen to your partner, practice honesty.01:05:09.043 --> 01:05:25.353


Don't take it personal, Argue constructively, plan time away, learn your partner's stressors, prioritize their priorities and show up, show affection and appreciation and, lastly, check in.01:05:25.795 --> 01:05:25.996


Beautiful.01:05:26.798 --> 01:05:27.219


Excellent.01:05:27.219 --> 01:05:30.679


Thank you so much, cupply Fit fam, for checking in.01:05:30.679 --> 01:05:34.016


If you are watching us on YouTube, please subscribe to our channel.01:05:34.016 --> 01:05:44.219


If you are watching us on Instagram or any other platforms, please follow us at Cupply Fit O U P L E Y F I T Bye.