Episode 23: Marriage Isn't a One-Way Street

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Hey, cupply Fit fam, Welcome to the first episode of the Cupply Fit podcast.

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We are so excited to have you here.

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If you didn't know, we want to give you a little update.

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We had our first podcast in 2020.

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We recorded a few episodes.

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We weren't consistent, but we said you know what?

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Let's rebrand and let's relaunch in 2025.

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And let's took all things health, marriage and mindset.

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I'm so excited, we're so excited 2.0.

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2.0.

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So we are your hosts.

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I am Deanna Mangum.

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Kurt Mangum, the second.

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And this episode is going to be about the infamous motto of is happy wife, happy life true.

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There's so much to unpack here, because I feel like it's talked about so often and the expectation I feel like for so many people is that it's happy wife, happy life.

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Absolutely, Absolutely.

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I think.

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Before we dive into kind of this deeper conversation around that, I have a couple of questions that I think are a little like icebreakers kind of get to know us.

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So the first one is would you rather get free plane tickets or free accommodations for the rest of your life?

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This is so hard.

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Free plane tickets.

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And I would say free accommodations, because I want to know where I'm staying.

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A flight I can catch a flight whenever, I'm not worried about that, but my accommodations I need to know where I'm staying.

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A flight I can catch a flight whenever, I'm not worried about that, but my accommodations I need to know where I'm staying and how that's going to work out for me.

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I'm very adamant about that.

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I think, I think that's a sign that we're on the same page, because now we fly free you know, free accommodations like done and done Okay.

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Second one what three items would you bring on a deserted island?

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My Bible, yes, water, a generator.

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Okay, so you're going really practical.

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Maybe I'm going more you know, judge Frizzone.

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I'm going more women, more skin care.

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I would bring a Laneige lip mask, lip gloss, the ladies who know they, okay, they know.

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I'm bringing my black girl sunscreen.

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And then I'm also going to bring, I mean, I like, I like, if you have the bible, I'm gonna bring more water, because we drink so much water.

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We drink about five gallons in two days I got the water.

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I would have loved for you to have some food.

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Oh God, I would have loved for you to have some food for us.

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Listen first off.

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You know I took the Survival class.

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You did take survival class.

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I took the survival class in sixth grade.

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People don't know that.

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I can get us in the desert, People wouldn't.

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If we're in the desert, I can listen, I can get it.

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And I'm going to be honest I would also have to test.

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I know how to start a fire.

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I would also have to test that theory where people say like send me out to the jungle, you know what I mean and like save the bear right.

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Yes, like when you're really out in the jungle.

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You've got to like maybe catch that bear, Wait a minute.

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I'm just saying you may have to Are we catching bears.

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We're going to put a pin in that.

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Okay, last one what's the best relationship advice you've received from a movie or TV show?

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This is easy.

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Oh, shout out to Will Smith, one of my favorite movies of all time is Hitch.

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The Date Doctor.

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If you haven't watched Hitch, you need to go back and watch it and take some notes, Because I feel like Will Smith was speaking to me.

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I was like I want to outkick my coverage.

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What are the keys that he's dropping?

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And it was not only spontaneous, it was thoughtful, it was like everything was intentional every date, every thought.

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That's true, sometimes even too much.

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That's true.

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The 90-10?

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.

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I had my note.

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Can you come 90?

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Let her come 10.

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I wrote all letters down.

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So shout out to Will Smith okay, love that, because you do love that movie like that is when we first met.

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You were word for word.

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I remember when you told me that I looked at you kind of like what?

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And for people?

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that don't know.

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This is a little bit like personal, but like I don't have all that much rhythm, people would think I have great rhythm and I can dance.

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But like that's a fact when he said said, stay here.

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I was like I need to stay here.

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I need to stay here on the dance floor.

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That's so true.

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That's so true.

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Okay, so for me I would say it's actually going to be more of a podcast, and I believe it was Michelle Obama and she was on.

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It was like an essence kind of fireside chat, something of that nature.

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And she mentioned that in your relationship, it's never going to be 50, 50.

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There's going to be times where somebody is going to have to go 70, 30.

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It's going to be a 60, 40.

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It's never a 50, 50 relationship.

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And I just thought that was so interesting that she said that because, again, right, she is the first lady, in my opinion, of all time, and then you also have Barack Obama as well, and so just to hear her say that sounded so simple and simplistic and it was something I thought over time as I thought about our relationship.

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I was like that's so true.

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There are times where you know, especially like a couple of weeks ago, when I was sick, right, and I was down for the count that was more you had to put a little bit more time in.

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You had, you know, kind of, not only take care of me, but then you also had to um.

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I had to glove up y'all yes plastic gloves on rubbing on the Vicks Vapor Rub, if you don't put the Vicks on the feet like the throat game changer, and this is not even a sponsor, that's not even sponsored.

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That's just like.

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You know, just a pro tip when it comes to recovery, but I did.

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I do feel that like it was definitely helping you more.

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But something that came to my mind where you helped me tremendously and not being 50 50, I actually think back to when we first met, so before we got married.

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We've been married for eight years, all of those things.

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But when we first met I was transitioning and I'm thinking about NFL combine and kind of draft season, all of that, me ending my career early, but at the time, like you were working, like it was your place like grinding you know I had to.

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You know, I had the, the Maybach, the Honda Accord.

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I called it a Maybach, but it was a gold Honda Accord, like a 05 come on, but it was called the Maybach for some reason, I don't know why.

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How to?

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Come on at least a hundred thousand miles, okay, you better quit, because you can get that thing to about 300,000 if you really take care of it and now.

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So this is actually like people don't notice, but one of the moments I knew that you were the one and it's like we were dating, like this is early on, so this is before.

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Like I love you, but like I just knew you were different.

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My car, the Maybach, the Honda Accord go Honda was having some issues and it was really reliable, so this was rare.

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And like I've reached out to everybody.

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I called like you know, you know where?

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There's been that moment where you called like three or four people and nobody's available and I'm like I just met her, like this might be weird if I ask her like, hey, we just met in the club.

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We did meet in the club.

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That's another element of like meeting the club on New Year's Eve.

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That's a whole other episode.

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So fast forward.

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I reach out to you and I was like, hey, by chance, like my car, I just need to drop it off.

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And this is like I'm broke to the point at the time, like struggling athlete trying to make it.

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I'm broke to the point where I wasn't even taking it to a mechanic's shop.

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I was dropping it off in somebody's apartment complex, like hey, man, work on this, like on the side, and you ended up picking me up from that complex and what really was the like kind of took the cake was and I had a toyota yaris and with the dimple too with the dimple and the dimple.

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Somebody backed into something.

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It was a little dimple in the back, literally backed into my brother.

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More so he backed into me.

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But so fast forward.

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I'm like you pick me up, which I was already surprised.

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But then you asked like hey, are you hungry, you want to grab a bite to eat?

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And I was like I'm always always hungry.

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That is something I learned over the years, and not even realizing and this was again so rare, and this is probably like a pro tip for anybody that's like dating or wants to be different, or you present yourself differently as someone that's bringing a lot to the table, because I didn't have a lot at the moment and I just put my car in the shop so, like we're talking about going to lunch, I'm in no position to pay for my lunch, nor both of our lunches, so I'm kind of like I'm like I'm gonna get the water, I'm going to get the soup, like the side salad.

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It's a Carl's Jr.

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And you offer to pay.

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Yeah, it's a no brainer.

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I was like you want a chicken sandwich, but I was like where's?

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I was like where's the engagement?

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I was like.

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I was like where is she's the one?

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I was like I think she's the?

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I think I found her.

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That was so.

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Yeah, I remember that Like it was yesterday.

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That's so funny.

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I was sitting on the couch and that was like one of my only days off, too, cause I was grinding, I was doing doubles back to back, I was working.

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I think I only had one or two days off for school, and that's it.

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So so this is why, also also, you're finishing up at Arizona state.

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We're in Arizona, but you just mentioned something the grinding and the working like.

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What was that server life like?

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Just on the side note, I think that needs to be another episode.

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Okay, because you and I have so many stories.

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The things that we have seen and heard and been a part of have been absolutely people would not.

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They wouldn't believe it, they wouldn't believe it.

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And the other thing, too, is like what back of house?

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If you, you know, we were in the restaurant industry, you know exactly what we're talking about, the things that go on back of house.

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What's one, what's one crazy thing you saw back.

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Just one, just one.

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We're here.

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They're waiting on it.

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Um, I mean we.

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Well you know, we were over by az mills.

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Oh, you were over by your zone it was cracking over.

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There got to be careful.

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There was, you know, so we used to get bomb threats sometimes we used to get like, uh, the fbi would come sometimes.

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It was that's why I said it needs to be another episode.

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It was wild.

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Okay, it was wild, but let's transition now into what the episode is about, which is, let me ask you is happy wife, happy life, true?

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No, no, it's not.

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So.

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May I really feel Happy wife, happy life is not true, and the reason I say that is for a couple of reasons, but the number one is that there's going to come a point where your partner is going to be resentful or feel like I'm again, I'm coming 90 or I'm giving up 90 and you're only giving up 10.

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Where's the compromise Right?

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And sometimes it you know.

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We've all been there where something like festers and it's almost like when something goes bad in the fridge, like at first it goes bad and like nobody knows, but like after a week a couple weeks like all of a sudden the smell and then it it's like there's things living in there.

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It's like, wait a minute, this is really a problem, but like that's the way that it happens, when you kind of continue to not express how you feel, express what your needs are, express what you want.

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So for me, I think it's in what we talk about, not just for me, but our approach has been happy spouse happy house so there's a world that exists where we both can be happy.

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You can be in a happy marriage or relationship and enjoy your partner's company, all of those things but there is balance, like there's things that we both give and take on right, which I think that even goes back to what I said earlier with, like there are it's not going to be 50 50 relationship now coming together equally yoked so what's's the difference?

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Well, what's the difference between the 50 50 part and being equally yoked?

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I'm just thinking for the person listening.

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They might be curious.

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I think a good example is actually how we came into our relationship, which was we both were independent, we both kind of had our own things going on.

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We had great morals, values, the way that we would treat people.

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We came from a servant leadership kind of mindset, but then when we came together it was still like that, but it was.

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There's going to be times where you may need a little bit more attention, or I may need a little bit more attention, and so it's not going to always be 50-50 every single day.

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That's absolutely not the case at all.

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And so and for example, right, even just as a woman, there are times where, hormonally, I may be a little, I may need a little bit more attention, or I may need a little bit more distance, even whatever.

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Sometimes that kind of comes about too.

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But I think, with a happy wife, happy life, what that implies is that the household is going to be joyful and peaceful.

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If the wife is happy and that is absolutely not the case, it's if you both are happy, if you both are in a place where, um, I don't know if contentment's the right word, but you're both in a place where I know that if I need something, you have my back and vice versa.

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I know that if I need something, you have my back and vice versa, and I'm going to be giving just as much as you are giving and when we need to do that may vary, but we're still we know.

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And then you start to get on kind of a little bit of a cadence of like okay, I know your body language, I know, like I already, I tell you sometimes with your eyebrows.

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I'm like what's going on with your eyebrows?

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Are you mad?

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The brows can be a giveaway.

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Yes, yes.

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So I think, that, um, it also implies that the husband's happiness either doesn't matter or is not, something that maybe, as a wife, I want to hear, which that can build resentment from men, I would think, because it feels like I'm saying something and I'm expressing either my unhappiness or how I'm feeling about a situation, and you're shutting me down because you think that my happiness doesn't matter.

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Yeah, and I think to that point there can be certain things that you're like I'm really going to stand on that, that, like I'm, I really need you to be able to make sure that like that's a concession or that's something that you kind of give and take on, and I feel like that's something that's so communication focused, where, if you're communicating and I feel like for us, the communication has evolved so much, and that's been such a huge blessing, Like when I tell y'all it's evolved like go ahead.

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Well, let me just quickly give some context.

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So when we said that we met in the club we were, it was New Year's Eve, so I think I just turned 22 and you might've been 23, because my birthday is in October, so it's later in the year, and you know.

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So we're, you know I was, you know, having fun, I'm out with the girls, it's New Year's Eve, we're having a great time.

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And so we were young when we first met in that sense and we had good communication because we did play team sports.

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We were also leaders in our uh, employments as well, you know, um, so we were able to communicate in that sense, but communicating with your partner about whether it's serious conversations or conversations that you don't want to have and you kind of avoid, that's very different than you know, just being somebody who's you know we're natural leaders and so we can communicate in those ways.

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But when you do have to communicate your emotions, your feelings, that is something that's very different, and you have to know how the other person also is going to receive the message.

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Just because I'm saying the message, sometimes if it comes from a certain messenger you may not receive it.

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And so we started off by literally going into two separate rooms different corners different corners two separate rooms.

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Because one thing I told you from the beginning I've all I I'm never I'm not going back and forth with you, like I'm not, I'm not.

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If you've got something to say, you can get it off your chest.

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I'm a sit over here and I'm going to be quiet.

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And I know sometimes that kind of like riled you up a little bit, like got you even more hype, but I'm not going to go back and forth with you because clearly we're not in the, the mind space or, uh, the, even the emotional space to be able to have this conversation.

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So let's go into our separate corners.

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And it started off with just text messages, like just text me, and they used to be long paragraphs, like long, like I've got something to say, let me tell you how.

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Let me tell you I really feel yes so that's how first like that was one of our first that I remember or how we had to kind of start really shifting our communication, because at that time we were also living together too.

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So that was something that you're adding in, that when you are living with somebody else, you're, you're taking on also kind of how they live just on a day to day, whether it's like do you have socks on the ground, do you have like, is the, is the?

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Do you leave your plates everywhere?

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Like those are the small things, but then you start thinking big things like, oh shoot, we own a home, like we have a mortgage, we are we going to, you know, do the backyard?

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and you, you know you have bigger conversations that require you to have a different form of communication 100 and to your point, I mean it's a fair call out, because you know, I did take debate in college and I was ready.

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You were ready and I'm not.

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I'm like I'm not going back and forth.

00:16:14.586 --> 00:16:18.768
You want to go back and forth, you don't want to do, you want to like no I potentially.

00:16:18.807 --> 00:16:21.575
you were maybe used to that too, that's true Conditioning and exposure.

00:16:21.575 --> 00:16:22.577
Conditioning and exposure.

00:16:22.577 --> 00:16:26.395
You were used to the back and forth and I have never been that person.

00:16:26.395 --> 00:16:28.572
I will literally just be quiet.

00:16:28.572 --> 00:16:31.613
I'm going to maybe say one or two things.

00:16:31.653 --> 00:16:34.673
And the silence, and I'm one of the people that don't do well with the silent treatment.

00:16:34.692 --> 00:16:49.788
Right it's like, oh, it's all over, like you're literally gonna pack up and you're, you're getting ready to leave, because you've got nothing left to say, so let me just already in my mind get prepared that like this, this might, this might, this might be it like it's over with you know, like this was the last straw.

00:16:49.788 --> 00:16:50.692
This is it.

00:16:50.732 --> 00:17:04.931
This is it, you know, and so it might have been over some, some dishes, yeah, like something super minor, like so minor, like hey, did you like you're gonna be gone, gone, like, but to your point, right, working through some of those things and, for me, writing it out.

00:17:05.693 --> 00:17:05.954
Yeah.

00:17:06.045 --> 00:17:09.208
Was so much, was so helpful and this might be a tip for somebody to like.

00:17:09.208 --> 00:17:12.292
If you find yourself, maybe that your tone elevates which.

00:17:12.292 --> 00:17:13.035
These are all things.

00:17:13.035 --> 00:17:15.904
Sometimes like also how you were raised, your household, yes, how.

00:17:15.904 --> 00:17:17.648
Maybe you saw your parents talk to each other.

00:17:17.648 --> 00:17:22.900
But like, if your voice starts, your tone starts to get a little bit right.

00:17:22.900 --> 00:17:24.123
Tone is elevating right.

00:17:24.143 --> 00:17:25.125
You know, you have some bass in your voice.

00:17:25.204 --> 00:17:26.614
Bass in your voice getting a little bit more intense.

00:17:26.614 --> 00:17:27.480
I don't know who you're talking to.

00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:28.224
I don't know who you're talking to.

00:17:28.224 --> 00:17:43.647
It's getting more intense right With the dialogue, and you're like okay, wait a minute, this isn't the most productive way.

00:17:43.647 --> 00:17:47.463
Communication and the other part, though, too, was not focusing on winning the argument yes and making sure that we're winning in our relationship period, because you could win the argument.

00:17:47.483 --> 00:17:50.174
There's times where I was like you know what, I'm gonna win this what?

00:17:50.275 --> 00:18:03.528
I just, I just absolutely won that argument and then I'm like man, we're supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow and like be out with friends and like family and like you know we have to play that role in here and act like and I'm not the one.

00:18:03.769 --> 00:18:06.596
No, yeah, no, she will sit there and be like I'm the one.

00:18:06.596 --> 00:18:07.827
It's all over my face.

00:18:07.827 --> 00:18:09.271
I like the memes on um.

00:18:09.271 --> 00:18:16.811
Ig will say like resting oh, oh, when you wear your expressions on your face and it's like, oh, shoot, oh, you can see my face and I'm gonna play that role.

00:18:16.852 --> 00:18:19.758
I'm like, hey, let me my wife, and she's like hi.

00:18:20.398 --> 00:18:21.961
Maybe it's the Scorpio in me, I'm not sure.

00:18:21.961 --> 00:18:22.663
I'm not the one.

00:18:22.824 --> 00:18:25.593
I'm not going to All of a sudden I'm in the car like hey, are we good.

00:18:25.894 --> 00:18:26.095
Yeah.

00:18:26.767 --> 00:18:27.832
Are we on the same page?

00:18:27.832 --> 00:18:35.794
So no, I really feel that, because the text allowed me to also write it out and then reel it back.

00:18:35.834 --> 00:18:44.803
That's true, because you're seeing what's in your head and your thoughts and it's like, oh, you know what, that might actually might be a little too harsh, that might not be again effective, correct.

00:18:45.265 --> 00:18:54.277
So let me backspace, backspace, backspace, and then maybe rewrite it and then shout out to Grammarly, because I hit Grammarly and then it'll tell me your tone.

00:18:54.277 --> 00:18:55.226
Disapproving.

00:18:55.246 --> 00:18:57.755
I'm here for the tone Disapproving Angry.

00:18:57.755 --> 00:19:04.865
I was like me, me, yes.

00:19:04.865 --> 00:19:12.166
I was like let me, let me change this to uplifted positive criticism, positive criticism, loving, yes, okay, this is what I want admiring this is what I want the message to be.

00:19:12.667 --> 00:19:23.438
This is what it was yes, so like there had to be some and so, but going to the separate corners, because I think there's so many times people don't go on that discovery of like what works best for us.

00:19:23.577 --> 00:19:23.698
Right.

00:19:24.025 --> 00:19:26.231
It doesn't have to be what worked best for somebody else.

00:19:26.393 --> 00:19:27.316
It does not.

00:19:27.316 --> 00:19:29.232
Every relationship is different.

00:19:29.232 --> 00:19:31.672
It's a chew on the meat, spit out the bones, type of situation.

00:19:31.692 --> 00:19:32.173
What does that mean?

00:19:32.173 --> 00:19:32.805
What does that mean it?

00:19:32.865 --> 00:19:36.691
means you can listen to somebody talk and you can even listen to this podcast.

00:19:36.691 --> 00:19:49.410
There are going to be some pieces that resonate with you that you can then apply to your marriage or your relationship, and then there may be some other things where it's like that doesn't work for me and that's fine you.

00:19:49.410 --> 00:19:52.967
Whatever works for your relationship, that's what you should do.

00:19:52.967 --> 00:19:57.247
Don't worry about what's on somebody else's plate because you need to be worried about what's on yours.

00:19:57.247 --> 00:19:58.849
It's true, just period.

00:19:58.950 --> 00:20:21.215
Yeah yeah, it's a great point because so often we can like I love the movie hitch, but like I don't need to be will smith right, like I can be me, like we can take some things that are like I really love the date idea or being thought for the way that this was communicated, keeping it here on my dance moves, like all of that I can take with me without it being to the extreme, right to your, to your point of like chew out the meat, spit out the bones.

00:20:21.215 --> 00:20:21.998
That's a great call out.

00:20:22.218 --> 00:20:23.160
Yeah, absolutely.

00:20:23.160 --> 00:20:24.730
So now I have a question for you.

00:20:24.730 --> 00:20:25.173
I'm ready.

00:20:25.173 --> 00:20:34.319
Do you think that happy wife, happy life implies that potentially, a wife is responsible for her husband's happiness?

00:20:34.961 --> 00:20:35.561
100%.

00:20:36.508 --> 00:20:36.828
Okay.

00:20:37.351 --> 00:20:37.853
I think so.

00:20:37.853 --> 00:20:49.410
Okay, tell me more I think a lot of times and I'm just thinking through, like what we see, whether it's on tv, and just like the experiences, right, it's like oh we're gonna go out, we're, we're gonna get married.

00:20:49.450 --> 00:20:50.833
Right like, what's the ring?

00:20:50.833 --> 00:20:53.150
Look like, right like, is this is it the right?

00:20:53.150 --> 00:20:54.134
Is it what she wants?

00:20:54.134 --> 00:20:55.038
Is it the right diamond?

00:20:55.038 --> 00:20:56.021
Is it right cut?

00:20:56.021 --> 00:20:57.506
Is it the right location?

00:20:57.506 --> 00:20:59.409
Right like, did you do all of these things?

00:20:59.409 --> 00:21:02.233
And this is just the ring, this is just the engagement.

00:21:02.233 --> 00:21:05.880
Then you have the actual marriage, which is what does she want?

00:21:05.924 --> 00:21:06.728
what does she want?

00:21:06.728 --> 00:21:07.329
What's her?

00:21:07.349 --> 00:21:07.611
vision.

00:21:07.611 --> 00:21:08.755
What's the dress they're not like?

00:21:08.755 --> 00:21:09.945
Hey man, what's the suit, what's the?

00:21:09.945 --> 00:21:14.596
I'm like black suit white shirt like I don't know right, and so it's that.

00:21:14.596 --> 00:21:16.326
Then it's like, okay, where are we gonna live?

00:21:16.326 --> 00:21:17.208
Where are we moving?

00:21:17.208 --> 00:21:19.511
Oh, when are we gonna turn house into a home?

00:21:19.511 --> 00:21:21.055
Right right, what do you?

00:21:21.055 --> 00:21:22.517
What does she want to do for the decor?

00:21:22.517 --> 00:21:33.175
That's right and so like all of these times you feel like seem to be revolved around your, your wife's opinions and then for me I'm gonna be honest too I heard a lot of like the older kind of.

00:21:33.215 --> 00:21:38.512
You know what I call the old heads or like whoever right but like it's unfortunate.

00:21:38.512 --> 00:21:42.588
But so many people are like oh, the ball and chain yes, you know I'm dragging her with me.

00:21:42.588 --> 00:21:43.612
Oh man, the wife.

00:21:43.612 --> 00:21:54.067
I got to head on home and it's like this thing where it's like it's almost a drawback, right that you have a partner and that you're married, and so many people have gotten so used to that.

00:21:54.067 --> 00:21:57.571
I think that becomes the norm of like I want to go do this.

00:21:57.592 --> 00:21:59.775
I won't be able to do it because my wife she's going to hold me back.

00:21:59.775 --> 00:22:06.040
I want to hang out with the guys, I want to go to a sports bar, I just want to be, you know, kind of in my space, but my wife's telling me I need to come back home.

00:22:06.320 --> 00:22:13.849
And there's balance, because I know right now the guys that aren't going home to their wives or aren't married, and they're like man.

00:22:13.849 --> 00:22:21.278
After the game is ends, after the smoke clears, they're like man it's a little lonely.

00:22:21.298 --> 00:22:22.941
It's a little lonely here.

00:22:22.941 --> 00:22:26.034
It's a little lonely, not just whether it's at the top or at the bottom.

00:22:26.034 --> 00:22:27.568
It's like a little cold.

00:22:27.568 --> 00:22:28.771
Yeah, a little cold.

00:22:28.771 --> 00:22:30.115
You want someone to cuddle.

00:22:30.164 --> 00:22:31.371
What do they say this time of year?

00:22:31.371 --> 00:22:32.628
It's like boo-up season.

00:22:32.628 --> 00:22:33.933
You know cuddle weather.

00:22:46.464 --> 00:22:49.332
And in the summer, people want to, you know, jump out there because all of a sudden it's summertime.

00:22:49.332 --> 00:22:50.295
It's summertime, I'm having a hot girl.

00:22:50.295 --> 00:22:50.674
Summer, that's true?

00:22:50.674 --> 00:22:51.056
Yeah, no, absolutely.

00:22:51.056 --> 00:23:03.474
And to your point, I do think that, with the implication of the wife is responsible for her husband's happiness, um, that can also put a lot of pressure on the wife as well, where, where I'm not only in charge of my own happiness but I'm now in charge of my husband's happiness, and if I'm not happy, we all have bad days.

00:23:03.474 --> 00:23:06.666
Like that's just human nature, that's just what happens.

00:23:06.666 --> 00:23:11.946
And if I have a bad day, that means my husband has a bad day, which, if you have a family, that means our family has a bad day.

00:23:11.946 --> 00:23:15.050
That's a lot of pressure on the shoulders of a woman.

00:23:15.151 --> 00:23:32.247
And so I think changing that verbiage from again happy wife, happy life, changing that to happy spouse, happy house that's when you can start.

00:23:32.247 --> 00:23:36.416
It puts you into a mindset that it's not all about one person in this relationship, because it takes two to tango.

00:23:36.416 --> 00:23:48.106
There are two people in this relationship and it's very important that both people are not only getting their needs met, are not only getting their needs met, but they're also able to vocalize and be able to be emotional and be compassionate and feel like they have a safe space to be themselves and say what they want to say.

00:23:48.106 --> 00:23:56.976
And I think that's something that we started from the beginning of our relationship is I, we always have said this is a judge-free zone, always judge-free zone.

00:23:56.976 --> 00:24:00.432
Whatever you want to say, whatever you want to do, this is the space to do it.

00:24:00.432 --> 00:24:06.196
It's a safe space and we have carried that on and it has evolved over these past.

00:24:06.458 --> 00:24:10.631
We've been married eight years together, 11 years, and it's been.

00:24:10.631 --> 00:24:16.855
It evolves and I think that's something else, too, that we can think about.

00:24:16.855 --> 00:24:22.866
Is that, just because you had a certain mindset before, you can change that mindset at any time.

00:24:22.866 --> 00:24:34.369
Like you can wake up on Monday and say I want to now change my mindset, change my perspective on how I think about my family dynamic, how I think about my, my wife's happiness and my happiness.

00:24:34.369 --> 00:24:42.156
And I actually have heard a new saying that's kind of come out that says happy partners, healthy marriage.

00:24:42.156 --> 00:24:44.849
So I thought that was really good.

00:24:44.849 --> 00:24:51.128
I like, I liked that, because when you, what do you think about when I say healthy marriage?

00:24:52.453 --> 00:24:53.718
to me a healthy marriage.

00:24:53.718 --> 00:24:59.251
When I think about, like the healthy marriages that I've seen, it's the couples that love spending time together.

00:24:59.291 --> 00:25:02.078
Love spending time together they're always together.

00:25:02.505 --> 00:25:04.069
It's almost like the question that.

00:25:04.351 --> 00:25:04.853
My bestie.

00:25:05.233 --> 00:25:09.613
Bestie, it's like the question that we get you know, all the time is like are you guys newlyweds?

00:25:09.853 --> 00:25:12.057
All the time and it's like Just when you went to Cabo.

00:25:12.117 --> 00:25:15.053
Yeah, it's like they're genuinely shocked.

00:25:15.073 --> 00:25:16.037
Just get married.

00:25:23.425 --> 00:25:28.758
We've been married eight years and then they look at us and they turn away like y'all still like each other, like what y'all doing, like what you must know you're lying, like you can't.

00:25:28.758 --> 00:25:29.420
That can't be, that can't be so.

00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:30.962
To me it's healthy, is one, just that you enjoy each other.

00:25:30.962 --> 00:25:32.606
That yeah, I like you, I like.

00:25:32.606 --> 00:25:34.792
I think that's like the first step, the first step.

00:25:34.813 --> 00:25:35.233
Do you like do?

00:25:35.253 --> 00:25:36.336
I like you as a person.

00:25:36.424 --> 00:25:43.863
If you had one, and I always like to say this too, and this is a good for someone that's maybe not married or that's in that process of making a decision.

00:25:43.863 --> 00:26:02.798
If you have one ticket, only one, to go anywhere that you would want to go, do anything, would your partner or the person that you're thinking about dating or being with long term, would they be the one person that you would invite and you would go on that experience, on that moment, with and and for me, whether it's a football game, a concert?

00:26:02.865 --> 00:26:06.453
Come on, I was coming to the Super Bowl with you in Detroit when I was in there.

00:26:06.453 --> 00:26:08.218
I just Up to the side.

00:26:08.218 --> 00:26:11.290
He's like you're not even a Lions fan.

00:26:11.290 --> 00:26:12.114
I said I'm a football fan.

00:26:12.806 --> 00:26:16.386
So you know, but like to me it's a no brainer, like I wouldn't even have to think twice about it.

00:26:16.386 --> 00:26:19.672
I've got some good friends and like, but it's, it's a no brainer.

00:26:19.672 --> 00:26:23.356
So if that's, not your answer then to me.

00:26:23.356 --> 00:26:24.137
That's one aspect.

00:26:24.157 --> 00:26:30.455
Yeah, it starts at friendship, like it starts at we happen to be best friends, but it starts at a friendship.

00:26:30.455 --> 00:26:31.258
And do I like you?

00:26:31.258 --> 00:26:31.766
Do I like being?

00:26:31.766 --> 00:26:34.530
Around you Like you said do I like having a conversation with you?

00:26:34.530 --> 00:26:36.914
Do we laugh Like, do we have fun together?

00:26:36.914 --> 00:26:40.221
Those are just simple basic 100% Foundation.

00:26:40.221 --> 00:26:41.344
The building of the foundation.

00:26:41.344 --> 00:26:41.944
That's the foundation.

00:26:42.244 --> 00:26:46.345
And then I think, when we look at healthy is also what is your wellness like together?

00:26:46.345 --> 00:26:51.203
Because a lot of people can one maybe look fit or look well on the outside.

00:26:51.224 --> 00:27:05.904
Yes, but on the inside, be struggling with different things, right, absolutely, and maybe have health issues, and so for us, I know one of the things, even something that evolved was like how we get active together, like, yes, we're in the gym together multiple times a week, like we go on walks, we meal prep, we do different things.

00:27:05.904 --> 00:27:12.577
So when I think healthy in that sense too, we're also focused on like a healthy mind, body, wellness, whole person.

00:27:12.638 --> 00:27:12.759
Right.

00:27:13.625 --> 00:27:15.147
Individually and together, right.

00:27:15.147 --> 00:27:21.538
And then when we do have kids and our family grows, like then it's a broader, like we're continuing to pass that on.

00:27:21.538 --> 00:27:32.296
And so to me, like a healthy relationship has all of those elements liking each other, enjoying each other, the wellness of, like the wellbeing of each individual, and then collectively together.

00:27:32.296 --> 00:27:35.773
Those are all things that, to me, that come to mind when I think of health.

00:27:35.773 --> 00:27:37.732
And then also, like you, have fun and enjoy.

00:27:37.732 --> 00:27:39.067
I kind of mentioned that earlier.

00:27:39.067 --> 00:27:44.221
But like the fun, the enjoyment, like the spark there too, of like I'm drawn to you.

00:27:44.221 --> 00:27:44.664
You know what.

00:27:44.705 --> 00:27:45.928
I mean, yeah, absolutely.

00:27:45.928 --> 00:27:53.460
And we were actually just chatting with some people behind the scenes and we were talking about our first date was Dave and Buster's.

00:27:53.460 --> 00:28:03.763
Don't get me wrong.

00:28:03.763 --> 00:28:03.961
We were again.

00:28:03.961 --> 00:28:04.661
We were 22, 23.

00:28:04.661 --> 00:28:07.171
But I'm over here, I'm naturally going to talk stuff like, I'm naturally going to be like, oh so you think you can beat me?

00:28:07.171 --> 00:28:07.846
I'm about to get these buckets in your face, like I am that person.

00:28:07.846 --> 00:28:09.531
We're both competitive in that in that way.

00:28:09.652 --> 00:28:13.487
So when we went to Dave and Buster's, the first thing we hit was the basketball.

00:28:13.487 --> 00:28:17.984
Uh, you did whoop me in basketball, but I also was getting buckets, like don't get it twisted.

00:28:17.984 --> 00:28:19.426
I was absolutely doing that then.

00:28:19.426 --> 00:28:20.528
Then we went to air hockey.

00:28:20.528 --> 00:28:23.772
I won air hockey, but it was just fun.

00:28:23.772 --> 00:28:25.375
Like it was very chill.

00:28:25.375 --> 00:28:26.355
It was fun.

00:28:26.355 --> 00:28:29.039
It was there was no pressure on.

00:28:29.039 --> 00:28:35.932
You know, let's just see how this goes, like, let's just be ourselves and go from there and if it works out, it works out, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

00:28:35.932 --> 00:28:44.920
And then we just go on and you know, maybe we're still friends, maybe we're not, but at least we're open to the opportunity and we're open to, um what this potentially could be.

00:28:45.319 --> 00:28:45.779
Yeah, I love that.

00:28:45.779 --> 00:28:46.621
You said that, Cause it was.

00:28:46.621 --> 00:28:47.481
It really should be.

00:28:47.481 --> 00:28:51.133
Um, it should be green lights, green light, you know, shout out to Matthew McConaughey.

00:28:51.192 --> 00:28:54.808
I just read that book green lights but it's the theory of every.

00:28:54.888 --> 00:28:57.073
If you're driving and all you hit is green lights.

00:28:57.073 --> 00:28:58.295
And you know that feeling.

00:28:58.414 --> 00:28:59.236
Oh my gosh.

00:28:59.256 --> 00:29:03.589
A 30 minute trip just became a 10 minute trip and you're just like, is today my day?

00:29:04.066 --> 00:29:05.048
So today is my day.

00:29:05.068 --> 00:29:06.211
Do I need to go get a lotto ticket?

00:29:06.231 --> 00:29:07.275
Oh my gosh, I'm living my best life.

00:29:07.355 --> 00:29:15.730
Right, and so it should feel like when you're with the right person or spending time with somebody, it should be more green lights.

00:29:15.730 --> 00:29:17.393
Like man, this is really hard like, I feel like.

00:29:17.393 --> 00:29:26.876
I'm having to work to enjoy your company or when I'm with you, or maybe after the physical element, like yes there's not anything left to talk about.

00:29:27.198 --> 00:30:01.769
All of those things are like more yellow or red flags if you're not truly genuinely enjoying the person that you're with, and so I just wanted to call that out when it comes to like green lights, it should be smooth and I think that brings it back to right the happy wife, happy life motto, where that, in my opinion if from a man's standpoint that may look like this is kind of a yellow and a red light, because my whole entire atmosphere is revolving around one person, one person's happiness, one person's feelings and emotions, and I'm almost we always say are you thermostat or the thermometer?

00:30:01.769 --> 00:30:05.846
And it's it's you go ahead, Cause I was, that's your saying.

00:30:05.846 --> 00:30:06.268
I actually.

00:30:06.268 --> 00:30:07.412
I actually got that from you.

00:30:07.472 --> 00:30:15.223
No, so um the idea of being a thermostat or the thermometer are essentially do you set the tone or are you adjusting to the environment?

00:30:15.223 --> 00:30:19.232
Come on, come on now so we obviously want to be setting the tone.

00:30:19.252 --> 00:30:25.286
We don't want to go up and down based on the room or based on the day, based on the news, based on what we're hearing or what people are talking about.

00:30:25.286 --> 00:30:39.271
We want to come in and set that thermometer and say you know what we're going to be, you know it's going to be 72 and cool like the entire day no matter what we face or what we experience, or or comes up, and so I just think being able to set that tone makes a big, big difference.

00:30:39.373 --> 00:30:40.394
Yeah, absolutely.

00:30:40.394 --> 00:30:52.070
And I think if the mindset is that only one person can be happy in this marriage or be happy in this relationship, then that's going to be more of your yellow lights and your red lights and that's when it starts becoming gosh.

00:30:52.070 --> 00:30:54.503
Marriage is hard, this is hard.

00:30:54.503 --> 00:31:04.207
I am now basing how I act, what I say, even how I open up in my relationship, based off of one person, and that's not fair.

00:31:04.207 --> 00:31:08.260
It's just not fair and I think interesting enough.

00:31:08.421 --> 00:31:11.128
I wrote down something and I kind of want to get your opinion on it.

00:31:11.128 --> 00:31:29.186
If we go again based off the happy wife, happy life motto, do you think men are going to be more willing emotionally to open up and have that connection with their partner, where I even wrote down a quick little saying that said um, this was coming from a man.

00:31:29.186 --> 00:31:34.038
He said she doesn't care, she doesn't want to hear about me not being happy.

00:31:34.038 --> 00:31:36.390
What are your thoughts?

00:31:36.390 --> 00:31:39.977
This is going back to the happy wife, happy life motto.

00:31:39.977 --> 00:31:46.740
If you're living that through your marriage, this is then what a man has said about.

00:31:46.740 --> 00:31:49.290
This is what we're living and this is how I feel about it.

00:31:50.766 --> 00:31:55.711
So she doesn't care she doesn't care she doesn't want to hear about me not being happy.

00:31:57.194 --> 00:31:57.717
That's tough.

00:31:59.366 --> 00:32:00.270
And that hurts my heart.

00:32:00.573 --> 00:32:09.919
It does, and I think there's a lot of people that are in that space or in that situation, and I think it starts with kind of the tone that can be set.

00:32:09.919 --> 00:32:29.244
And so I would ask that guy or you know whoever it was that said that if we were to go back in time at some point in the relationship, did you lose your voice, did you stop communicating or saying what it is you do want, because, again, I'm all about accountability and there can be times where I've been guilty of it.

00:32:29.265 --> 00:32:30.630
Right, you're like what do we want to eat?

00:32:30.630 --> 00:32:31.973
And you name like three things.

00:32:31.973 --> 00:32:43.493
I'm like whatever you want, and then we get there and I'm like oh, we're eating gluten-free you know, but like at the same time I didn't convey like hey, I really want yes like this.

00:32:43.615 --> 00:32:58.885
You know, man, I really want this, and so I think the fact that, like it's not communicated or mentioned, can be one of the biggest elements of I didn't even know that you felt this way and I feel like that's what we hear like, but that's also both ways, because I know, listen, women, we're guilty of it.

00:32:59.428 --> 00:33:07.557
It's like how could you not know, by based off my body language, based off of the way that I'm over here grabbing this trash bag, that I am upset?

00:33:07.557 --> 00:33:08.702
I want your.

00:33:08.702 --> 00:33:09.826
I'm communicating with you.

00:33:09.826 --> 00:33:21.651
I feel like you're not listening to me because everybody, in every relationship, whether it is romantic, whether it's platonic, whether it's familial, you want to be seen, you want to be heard and you want to be valued.

00:33:22.333 --> 00:33:23.757
Can you say that again, cause somebody missed that.

00:33:24.105 --> 00:33:31.326
You want to be seen, you want to be heard and you want to be valued in any relationship that you're in.

00:33:31.326 --> 00:33:43.877
And so if I'm constantly saying something over and over and over and you're not either doing it or listening or taking the next steps, I'm not feeling heard.

00:33:43.877 --> 00:33:45.287
I'm feeling like I'm communicating.

00:33:45.287 --> 00:33:47.317
Or, like you said, I'm not communicating and I am just like my I'm, I'm, I'm communicating.

00:33:47.317 --> 00:34:03.056
Or, like you said, I'm not communicating and I am just kind of you know, I'm rummaging around the kitchen, I'm kind of like slamming some doors, I'm giving you a couple of like, I'm grabbing the power drill, cause it's like I asked you to put this shelf up Right, and so then, I'll take out the trash.

00:34:10.324 --> 00:34:17.018
I'll take out the trash and, um, that gets exhausting and then it becomes that resentfulness that I've asked you, or I have vocalized and nothing has come from it.

00:34:17.018 --> 00:34:18.146
So now what do I do?

00:34:18.146 --> 00:34:25.336
Like what comes after this, but that's again if you vocalize, if you don't vocalize, that's something that needs to be worked on.

00:34:25.336 --> 00:34:38.351
And maybe you take our text message situation that we talked about before and maybe it becomes more of a text message or something, or even you write a note or something of that nature and you leave it for somebody, but it needs to be communicated.

00:34:38.909 --> 00:34:56.416
It does need to be communicated and I want to throw this out there that it needs to be communicated to the right person, because a lot of times people aren't communicating with their partner or their, their spouse they're communicating with their friend on the job or their homegirl or their homeboy or fraternity, but whoever it is, I'm a family member.

00:34:56.498 --> 00:34:59.748
Yeah and now you've taken it over there and you're having everybody.

00:34:59.748 --> 00:35:03.708
I feel like we've all been guilty, we've all been guilty of it at one point or another.

00:35:03.708 --> 00:35:16.349
But the more that you can have that conversation with your partner about what you're dealing with, to see how you can move beyond that, to share that feedback, it gives you an opportunity to one course correct.

00:35:16.869 --> 00:35:17.110
Yes.

00:35:17.210 --> 00:35:24.432
Like, let's acknowledge that this is the case, acknowledge that we haven't gone to whatever place that I've wanted to go or what you know.

00:35:24.432 --> 00:35:26.106
We haven't done whatever it was Date nights.

00:35:26.106 --> 00:35:26.768
Date nights.

00:35:26.807 --> 00:35:26.909
Right.

00:35:26.909 --> 00:35:28.434
That's one thing we hear all the time.

00:35:28.434 --> 00:35:28.755
That's true.

00:35:28.755 --> 00:35:34.454
I mean the amount of women that I talk to that are just saying I want my husband to take me on a date.

00:35:34.454 --> 00:35:39.610
I want my husband, like I want to get dressed up and look nice for him, but he doesn't plan.

00:35:39.610 --> 00:35:42.068
He doesn't plan it, he doesn't take the time he's.

00:35:42.068 --> 00:35:42.630
I you know.

00:35:42.630 --> 00:35:57.485
If you want to do it like a surprise, you can, but I need men to step up a little bit more, in that sense where if your wife is vocalizing that she wants a date night, that means you need to plan it.

00:35:57.485 --> 00:36:01.009
Like there needs to be an action on your end and it doesn't need to be.

00:36:01.009 --> 00:36:06.416
You need to go out and spend a whole bunch of money Like we do a lot of date nights at home honestly where we were.

00:36:06.516 --> 00:36:07.717
And let's also go back.

00:36:07.717 --> 00:36:13.463
We've been together for eight years, but we had times during our marriage where we went through financial struggles.

00:36:13.463 --> 00:36:17.534
So, it's us sharing one in and out French fries.

00:36:17.695 --> 00:36:20.132
That's right Like this, ain't you know call it a date night?

00:36:20.132 --> 00:36:21.951
No, no, animal style Regular.

00:36:22.326 --> 00:36:23.389
Like extra ketchup, can you use?

00:36:23.409 --> 00:36:23.990
some extra ketchup.

00:36:23.990 --> 00:36:25.155
Can you throw some extra fries in that?

00:36:25.195 --> 00:36:31.867
bag keys and we will eat it in the car.

00:36:31.867 --> 00:36:34.914
Yes, so I just say that to say of like, there has to be that balance of to your point, it doesn't need to be expensive.

00:36:34.914 --> 00:36:51.972
And when it comes for fellas, when it comes to the date nights and putting it on the calendar, treat your relationship like it's that big client or that big opportunity or your boss, because I, I like, I know if I get a message from my boss or email or something like that, you're on it Like what.

00:36:52.172 --> 00:36:57.574
If you get that slack, drops on it light goes off, you're like, oh, what do I need to do, what do you need?

00:36:57.574 --> 00:37:05.414
And so it's like right now it's a top priority, because in the mind priority is the priority is the key word.

00:37:05.414 --> 00:37:14.393
And the connection is if I don't do what my boss says, I potentially lose my job or I impact my income or it hurts.

00:37:14.793 --> 00:37:16.878
That consequence seems to be higher, though.

00:37:16.878 --> 00:37:24.670
Correct, Well then potentially that if you're not putting that same priority on your marriage, then you're going to be the.

00:37:24.670 --> 00:37:25.835
What's the consequence of that?

00:37:26.164 --> 00:37:41.608
100%, and I think so many people and I hear it so often and one of the things that I'm grateful for that we do is that we have always asked people that have been married for 30 years, 40 years 50 years tell us the keys, tell us like what is your biggest recommendation?

00:37:41.608 --> 00:37:45.744
But then we also ask people that have been divorced, Like I've been divorced three times.

00:37:45.713 --> 00:37:46.871
What are some things that you would have done differently?

00:37:46.871 --> 00:37:48.460
Tell me what been divorced Like yeah, I've been divorced three times.

00:37:48.539 --> 00:37:49.541
What are some things that you would have done?

00:37:49.561 --> 00:37:49.822
differently.

00:37:49.822 --> 00:37:50.103
Tell me what.

00:37:50.103 --> 00:37:50.704
What like, what happened.

00:37:50.724 --> 00:37:51.003
What was it?

00:37:51.003 --> 00:38:11.028
And one of the things that I consistently hear from people that have gotten divorced is, like I didn't communicate the way that I should have and a lot of times, going through the divorce, they're not having to do mediation, they're having to talk, they're having to go through and it's like wait a minute, like what if y'all would have done this prior to it, getting this far down the line and kind of like this out of hand.

00:38:11.028 --> 00:38:21.277
And so to me prioritizing the relationship the same way that you would do your boss or your mom or your whatever it would be, Absolutely it makes it.

00:38:21.358 --> 00:38:25.956
Now I've got the calendar, I'm going to literally find a place and you don't have to overthink it.

00:38:25.956 --> 00:38:31.657
It doesn't need to be the effort You're talking about effort, I mean you have to really put the effort into your marriage.

00:38:31.764 --> 00:38:34.795
I mean, it's not something that you can once we get married.

00:38:34.795 --> 00:38:38.913
It's I'm, you know, I'm done dating my wife or I'm done dating my husband?

00:38:38.913 --> 00:38:39.735
Absolutely not.

00:38:39.735 --> 00:38:40.338
You're dating.

00:38:40.338 --> 00:38:43.831
You're consistently dating, because you're also dating new versions of yourselves.

00:38:43.831 --> 00:38:53.327
We we just talked about this we were like gosh.

00:38:53.327 --> 00:38:56.235
I feel like we're on our second or third version of ourselves and we also are still learning how to navigate in some areas.

00:38:56.235 --> 00:38:58.623
But because we built that foundation of effective communication, we start there.

00:38:58.943 --> 00:39:00.548
But it doesn't mean that we don't get frustrated.00:39:00.548 --> 00:39:05.570


It doesn't mean that we, you know, still don't need to potentially take some time and then come back to a situation.00:39:05.570 --> 00:39:08.856


But that's the thing is, we're always going to come back to the situation.00:39:08.856 --> 00:39:10.059


We're not going to let it fester.00:39:10.059 --> 00:39:17.340


We're not going to let it be something that we avoid, because that avoidant behavior, um, that can be very detrimental.00:39:17.340 --> 00:39:18.565


It's not healthy.00:39:18.565 --> 00:39:34.724


And, going back to that healthy marriage piece, it's not healthy to avoid a situation, avoid a relationship, avoid critical conversations Um, they're hard to have and maybe you need to kind of build your toolbox up with uh, go ahead.00:39:35.005 --> 00:39:36.048


No, I didn't mean to cut you off.00:39:36.048 --> 00:39:50.172


You shouldn't build a toolbox up, but something that was in our toolbox, a gem that we got from some married couples that I just thought of, was not also going to sleep angry, so like basically I've heard an opposite of that too, which I was thinking is interesting.00:39:50.344 --> 00:39:52.664


So you could go to the separate rooms.00:39:52.664 --> 00:40:02.673


But what we've done over the last eight years, the time that it takes to send that text or to share that olive branch of like I was wrong or like I'm sorry, or like.00:40:03.005 --> 00:40:04.632


I was wrong and I'm sorry, or two.00:40:04.632 --> 00:40:06.871


Those are difficult to say.00:40:08.804 --> 00:40:14.240


Those are tough ones and sometimes it's easier via text than like verbally, but if I would say for us also the timeline.00:40:14.240 --> 00:40:22.469


It's a lot different if you say I'm wrong or I'm sorry the same day that it happens, versus six months or six years later.00:40:22.469 --> 00:40:32.572


And someone's been like this hurt me for six years, yes, so I just wanted to throw that out there and now your relationship is starting to have those hurt moments and hurt feelings, and it may not be perfect in the resentment.00:40:32.572 --> 00:40:36.269


It may not be perfect in one text and like it's all forgotten about.00:40:36.626 --> 00:40:42.831


But at least there's an opportunity to like again for those people that were like me, of like man, one argument are the bags packed?00:40:42.831 --> 00:40:44.333


Like you know what I'm saying.00:40:44.333 --> 00:40:49.820


Is your partner going to be out there on you Because, like the argument, and she went silent, like you don't have to have that fear.00:40:49.820 --> 00:40:51.882


Also, because there's been communication.00:40:51.882 --> 00:40:53.650


We're not going to sleep like man, is it?00:40:53.650 --> 00:40:56.972


How long is it going to be weird like this for any of those things?00:40:56.972 --> 00:41:12.688


I just think it's so much opportunity, when you communicate and share, to be able to have that healthy dialogue in marriage versus it goes off the deep end or someone doesn't feel heard, seen or value yes, yes.00:41:13.250 --> 00:41:19.251


And so I'm gonna kind of say the adverse of what you just mentioned of not going to sleep mad.00:41:19.251 --> 00:41:27.597


And the only reason is because I heard this on a podcast maybe a week ago and I heard a couple say that they may go to sleep mad.00:41:27.597 --> 00:41:32.679


And, as we know, we've.00:41:32.679 --> 00:41:37.974


You know, if you go to sleep mad, even if you do apologize, like you're still kind of tossing and turning, like you're not getting your best sleep sometimes because you're still thinking about, like the argument or what somebody said.00:41:37.974 --> 00:41:46.931


But I have heard that some couples will actually go to sleep mad, but when they wake up in the morning they talk about it.00:41:46.931 --> 00:41:47.793


That's the first.00:41:47.833 --> 00:41:54.864


That's kind of whether you kind of you know, you drink your coffee, you drink your tea, you wake up a little bit, you're in a mind space.00:41:54.864 --> 00:41:59.512


It's just because you're able to kind of get your mind out of.00:41:59.512 --> 00:42:02.719


You've had time to sleep on it.00:42:02.719 --> 00:42:06.315


You know that old saying like I'm going to go sleep on it and then I'll give you an answer in the morning.00:42:06.315 --> 00:42:10.152


I like going to go sleep on it and then I'll give you an answer in the morning.00:42:10.152 --> 00:42:10.835


I like that to a certain degree.00:42:10.855 --> 00:42:11.617


If that again, if that works for you.00:42:11.617 --> 00:42:22.268


What works for us is not going to sleep mad, but if you need to go to sleep mad and if you wake up in the morning, you have to talk about it, and it's because this is something that can fester, this is something that can build resentment.00:42:22.268 --> 00:42:37.273


And these are the small little, you know moments in a marriage where, if these build up over the years, we've seen couples that, once their kids leave and they're empty nesters, they get a divorce and you're like, oh my gosh, they've been together like 34 years.00:42:37.534 --> 00:42:38.577


How Nothing to talk about.00:42:39.045 --> 00:42:39.971


Nothing to talk about.00:42:39.971 --> 00:42:46.644


We've had so many moments of this built up resentment that I don't like you, I don't like you anymore.00:42:46.684 --> 00:42:48.527


Or I don't like this new version, or I don't like you.00:42:48.567 --> 00:42:49.268


I don't like you anymore.00:42:49.288 --> 00:42:52.931


Or I don't like this new version, or I don't like this new version of you, yeah that's tough, no, that's tough.00:42:52.952 --> 00:42:53.432


So that's just another.00:42:53.432 --> 00:43:01.360


You know, another option Again whatever works for you in your marriage, in your relationship, you know, just take whatever nuggets you need to from this.00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:04.003


But that was just something that I heard that I wanted to mention.00:43:04.204 --> 00:43:15.177


Yeah, and I think a commonality in both of those approaches whether it's not going to sleep angry or it's the next day after you sleep on it is that you're addressing the root of what happened.00:43:15.297 --> 00:43:15.556


Yes.00:43:15.858 --> 00:43:17.239


It's not being swept under the rug.00:43:17.239 --> 00:43:23.076


You're not ignoring it, you're not acting like it never happened no, you're not talking to somebody else about it.00:43:23.076 --> 00:43:30.898


Like no, we're actually going to address it, Whether that's in a handwritten letter, in a text, in an audio message.00:43:30.898 --> 00:43:36.556


Audio message Right, Like whatever the delivery mechanism needs to be let me just make sure you got it.00:43:36.556 --> 00:43:37.851


Let me get it off me.00:43:37.911 --> 00:43:38.768


Yeah, no.00:43:38.768 --> 00:43:39.452


Third party.00:43:39.885 --> 00:43:40.869


No, the third party.00:43:40.889 --> 00:43:43.592


Oh my gosh, the third party, y'all don't do it.00:43:43.592 --> 00:43:45.588


Don't do it Because the full message.00:43:45.648 --> 00:43:47.132


Never like a game of telephone.00:43:47.132 --> 00:43:50.510


The full message never never gets there and then you get a piece.00:43:50.530 --> 00:43:55.574


It's like she said what she said what, and then it just it causes a bigger issue and then and then.00:43:55.594 --> 00:43:59.449


The bigger issue could also be the fact that there's now this person that's an intermediary.00:43:59.449 --> 00:44:09.253


Whoever this person is is now it ain't your business, it's not their business, and so it's a lot easier if you write it down, if you share with your partner or if you at least give them the opportunity.00:44:09.253 --> 00:44:13.608


Yes, to hear like this is how I'm feeling about this in particular absolutely.00:44:14.050 --> 00:44:21.275


And if it's accompanied by you know some food, that's fine, that's true, I'll tell you listen, feed me okay you will get it.00:44:21.315 --> 00:44:23.041


I'm sorry, it's done.00:44:23.041 --> 00:44:24.425


You'll get a different response on a full stomach.00:44:24.425 --> 00:44:25.527


You get a different response on a full stomach.00:44:25.527 --> 00:44:28.134


On both it goes for get a different response on a full stomach on both, it goes for both parties.00:44:28.153 --> 00:44:40.891


But it also goes to thoughtfulness too, right, like, yes, you might be doing it because it may be a little bit of tail between the legs, but you also took a moment to think about me and that makes me feel good too, so it's already like a step in the right direction.00:44:40.891 --> 00:44:42.896


It counts, it, counts, it counts.00:44:42.896 --> 00:44:54.467


So I really really like that.00:44:54.467 --> 00:44:59.778


Now I'm just do you think that a healthy relationship enhances both partners' experience, where it's not about one person's happiness but it's about our happiness together?00:45:02.867 --> 00:45:04.333


So I would say yes and Okay.00:45:04.333 --> 00:45:25.469


The reason I say yes and is because the happiness side, I feel like there's, there's got to be individual happiness and then collective happiness and I think a lot of times and that goes back to the equally yoked right yes no matter what you're doing, you see it a lot with just different areas, right, whether that's like sometimes this person needs you get you use michelle obama, and brock is a great example.00:45:25.469 --> 00:45:26.972


Yes, he's the president.00:45:26.972 --> 00:45:30.139


I'm sure she had to like he's so focused on running the country.00:45:30.364 --> 00:45:32.914


She's also like giving and raising two young women.00:45:33.105 --> 00:45:36.215


She's maybe going 70 or 80% at home because she's raising the kids.00:45:36.215 --> 00:45:47.318


She's you know, holding the home front down Right, and so when I think about that, there comes a time where I'm sure she's like hey, I want to focus on the Netflix, you know docu-series.00:45:47.338 --> 00:45:48.960


Becoming right, Becoming my book.00:45:49.565 --> 00:46:02.072


So I use that example because I think for each relationship, if one person is just thriving, there's still that opportunity for one person to have resentment of like oh it's great, but it's all about you, it's all about you, I think we see it a lot in sports right.00:46:11.684 --> 00:46:13.527


There's so many athletes that have incredible partners and spouses.00:46:13.708 --> 00:46:20.420


And like you have no idea, like their background, how credentialed they are in the business, that they do All of the things that like and how they're helping their partner be the LeBron James or the whoever at the top of their game.00:46:20.420 --> 00:46:21.927


And you have no idea.00:46:21.927 --> 00:46:26.760


But like they're super focused on like investing into them because they also see that, like, this is their window.00:46:26.780 --> 00:46:39.934


Focused on like investing into them because they also see that, like this is their window, so it can be seasons, but I think the more that you can make it each person, like we're both individually happy and we have our pillars and we're we're revisiting what that happiness looks like.00:46:39.934 --> 00:46:41.831


Right, what's the vision board for this year?00:46:41.831 --> 00:46:43.271


What's the five-year plan?00:46:43.271 --> 00:46:46.215


What are some of the goals that we have individually and together?00:46:46.215 --> 00:46:58.121


And if, like one thing is, one partner wants to go to every continent and the others like I'd never want to leave you know the state, right, like that would be something to like, hey, either you got to do some solo trips or some.00:46:58.121 --> 00:47:00.032


You know some things like join the travel club.00:47:00.032 --> 00:47:12.672


Like don't hold one person back or hold them down from their um, passion or purpose or the area that they want to pursue, right, I feel like it's got to be all three individual, individual and collectively.00:47:12.672 --> 00:47:15.913


But it can take time, it's not like all at once per se.00:47:16.014 --> 00:47:40.134


Yeah, and interesting enough, we're going to have to have another podcast episode because I know quite a few high value, high achieving women that find it very difficult to be in relationships with men because men, because men don't want to see them shine their brightest and actually want to kind of bring them down and hold them back and say you can't be bigger than me, you can't shine brighter than me, and you know that's male ego.00:47:40.134 --> 00:47:42.653


But that'll be another podcast episode.00:47:42.965 --> 00:47:44.349


I was just going to say it takes a lot.00:47:44.349 --> 00:47:46.335


You know, I know Nick Cannon, it took a lot.00:47:46.585 --> 00:47:53.237


Oh, nick Cannon, lot, I know it took a lot to carry my carry's purse now I know but sometimes you got that's the queen of Christmas.00:47:53.257 --> 00:47:54.246


You got to go ahead and grab that.00:47:54.246 --> 00:48:01.731


You got to tuck that purse underneath you're staying right there you know what I'm saying you know, ready, ready for when she walked off the stage.00:48:01.731 --> 00:48:06.509


If that's something that you know, like that you can do, some people feel like they, they can't do that.00:48:07.070 --> 00:48:09.474


Yeah, absolutely so I want to.00:48:09.474 --> 00:48:24.373


As we wrap up quickly, let's give, uh, just either a little bit of our advice that, again, we've learned over the years ourselves, but, like we said, we've also asked many couples over really 11 years, um, about their relationships and what they think.00:48:24.373 --> 00:48:34.275


So what advice would you give men who want to open up emotionally or want to connect with their partner, but they live under a happy wife, happy life?00:48:35.697 --> 00:48:36.159


atmosphere.00:48:36.159 --> 00:48:49.137


Oh, that's a great question If you're currently in a happy wife, happy life atmosphere, but you want to be more open, you want to speak more and maybe turn the chapter or open up a new page.00:48:49.137 --> 00:48:55.869


In this sense, I think the first thing is is vocalizing how you're feeling Right, like what are the key things right now.00:48:55.869 --> 00:49:00.898


That that would feel like it's a little bit of happy husband or happy spouse, happy house.00:49:00.898 --> 00:49:02.027


What does that look like for you?00:49:02.208 --> 00:49:02.429


Right.00:49:02.509 --> 00:49:06.385


Is it converting the extra room Right?00:49:06.666 --> 00:49:09.391


I'm just saying, if you need, the man cave here, if you need the man cave.00:49:09.411 --> 00:49:17.155


You gotta do the man cave Right, but like, if there's something like that that you feel like is a genuine like hey, I really have been wanting to do this, bring it up right.00:49:17.235 --> 00:49:22.891


Mention it, but I don't want it to be used as an escape.00:49:22.911 --> 00:49:23.192


No, no, I don't.00:49:23.192 --> 00:49:24.072


Yeah, which is a bigger issue?00:49:24.092 --> 00:49:28.699


Which is a bigger issue, so I don't want the man cave to be an escape, but I'm just using it as an example of.00:49:38.125 --> 00:49:41.996


And then I would really say if someone wants to like, do an icebreaker to open the door, kind of maybe bring a wall down that is happy wife, happy life.00:49:42.016 --> 00:49:44.643


I would start off add the date night to the calendar.00:49:44.664 --> 00:49:51.590


Let's start there Pick a place, location, send the invite or let her know.00:49:51.590 --> 00:49:52.514


Hey got plans friday at xyz, we're gonna go.00:49:52.514 --> 00:49:53.920


It doesn't have to be super expensive, get dressed up, go out to eat.00:49:53.920 --> 00:50:01.396


But when you do go out to eat or what, yeah right, when you do go out or whatever the activity is that you're doing, allow it to be something where y'all can talk and engage or walk and talk.00:50:01.456 --> 00:50:06.969


Yes, and in that time, when you're walking, you're talking, you're maybe the sun is setting, you're're enjoying the vibe.00:50:06.969 --> 00:50:09.432


It's an opportunity for you to engage.00:50:09.432 --> 00:50:12.478


Ask how are you doing right now?00:50:12.478 --> 00:50:13.699


What are some things that-.00:50:13.719 --> 00:50:14.440


How can I support you?00:50:14.664 --> 00:50:15.447


How can I support you?00:50:15.447 --> 00:50:18.987


What are some of the things that you want that I can be doing in a relationship?00:50:18.987 --> 00:50:33.391


What are some of the because, typically, by asking the question of what someone would like for you to do in a relationship, they should ask you is there anything that I can be doing for you in the relationship as well?00:50:33.391 --> 00:50:34.677


Like it should be a it should be a two way conversation.00:50:34.677 --> 00:50:42.568


And so you started by saying how can I serve you, what can I do for you, and you get to the answer might be something you have to add in hey, I actually I'd like to do more of these date nights once a week.00:50:42.568 --> 00:50:52.085


But then also you say, well, I would love to be able to maybe do a man cave, or for us to go to a sporting event or something that I want to do more.00:50:52.085 --> 00:51:00.018


I don't like the color of the new room, whatever it is that you feel like you've been kind of like giving in on and you haven't spoke your mind.00:51:00.018 --> 00:51:03.393


Use that as an opportunity, but do it with compassion.00:51:03.474 --> 00:51:06.114


Thank you, I was just about to say that Do it with compassion.00:51:06.724 --> 00:51:09.813


Make sure that your tone and your delivery that's something I had to learn.00:51:09.813 --> 00:51:12.820


The tone and the delivery matters.00:51:12.820 --> 00:51:23.737


It matters so much because you could have like, you could be saying like thank you, but if you like thank you and you look at somebody like that, you're like yeah, it's like well are you really like you know what's the why.00:51:24.005 --> 00:51:25.407


Why is the body language like that?00:51:25.969 --> 00:51:37.614


so to me, me, that would be talking about it kind of like bringing down the walls that may be you not communicating, but then also just speaking from the heart, and like opening the door in a setting that's just the two of you.00:51:38.704 --> 00:51:49.844


And to add to that, I think, something that would be great too for couples we actually just in October we brought like a stack of questions.00:51:49.844 --> 00:51:53.655


It was specifically love lingual was the stack of questions.00:51:53.655 --> 00:52:06.585


It's five categories asked about, you know intimacy, relationship, family, individual and I forgot what the last one is, but we brought that with us and we're at dinner, we're pulling the cards and these are in-depth questions.00:52:06.585 --> 00:52:09.858


You know you're asking questions that you may.00:52:09.858 --> 00:52:11.163


This isn't like an every day.00:52:11.163 --> 00:52:14.394


I'm asking you what you want to eat or did you fill up the gas tank?00:52:14.394 --> 00:52:29.333


No, these are in-depth, very emotional, deep, connecting questions and I think the more that you can get deep and connect on that level with your partner, the more you're also going to have grace for them, cause that's something else too is both men and women.00:52:29.333 --> 00:52:31.757


We can, we have to give grace to our partners.00:52:31.757 --> 00:53:08.791


Where, okay, you taught your tone was a little deep, the base was, was hidden, and I didn't like the way that you talked to me, but I'm going to let I'm not going to let it slide, but I'm going to give you that moment and then I'm going to come back after the fact and say, hey, what you said I it hurt my feelings and this is why or it was I felt this way, and this is why I feel like when you are able to articulate how you feel and if you need a journal and kind of figure out what that looks like for you, then that's going to be much easier for you to be able to communicate with your partner and, again, communicate effectively.00:53:08.791 --> 00:53:23.438


Because you can communicate, I can be talking to you, but I'm not effectively tapping into that deep root where you feel safe enough in this space to then say, okay, this is, this is how I'm feeling, and I am, you know, I'm.00:53:23.719 --> 00:53:25.344


I as a man too, I'm feeling overwhelmed.00:53:25.344 --> 00:53:32.599


Because women feel overwhelmed all the time I think we naturally get used to it, especially the moms that I talk to.00:53:32.599 --> 00:53:40.599


There are so many balls in the air and there's something called invisible labor, which we can have another podcast, podcast episode about that.00:53:40.599 --> 00:53:42.853


It's so much happening at one time.00:53:42.853 --> 00:53:52.831


I need my partner to step in and help me with certain things, like I don't want to have to always ask you and if you see something, say something.00:53:52.871 --> 00:54:02.918


Right, that type of situation, um, but it's been something over the years that has been you work on it, you work on it.00:54:02.918 --> 00:54:18.494


As long as you are both putting in the effort you're both in this together, then you will get through the big situations, the big obstacles together, no matter how difficult they are, and so I just am so glad that we were able to talk about this today.00:54:18.494 --> 00:54:26.833


I think it's something that will impact so many people, and I just want to say thank you so much to our Cuddly Fit fam.00:54:26.833 --> 00:54:28.797


You are absolutely amazing.00:54:28.797 --> 00:54:31.746


Please subscribe to our YouTube channel.00:54:31.746 --> 00:54:41.403


Please like, comment and share this episode with anyone that you feel may need to hear this message and, as always, thank you for helping us to create generational health.